We did some research, and it turns out Colorado's sexual landscape is more variable than its terrain. Here are 20 stats and facts about Colorado's sexual habits that we hope to dear god you don't bring up on your Tinder date …

We did some research, and it turns out Colorado's sexual landscape is more variable than its terrain. Here are 20 stats and facts about Colorado's sexual habits that we hope to dear god you don't bring up on your Tinder date …

1. Colorado men have the 11th biggest penises in the country. We'd rate ourselves as "Ballpark Franks" in the spectrum of dick/ hot dog analogies.

2. At any given time, there are roughly 527 couples having sex in Colorado. And we're sure if you took a shower every once and a while, you could be part of the 528th.

3. When couples are trying to get pregnant in Colorado, they have sex an average of 6.71 times per month. That's slightly more than the national average of once a week. Way to further the human race, Colorado!

4. Colorado comes in at #39 on a list of how long we last in bed. We last two minutes and 21 seconds. But it's the best two minutes and 21 seconds. 

5. Colorado is tenth in the nation in high school kids banging each other …

6. … which may have something to do with Colorado's top porn search being "teen." "Creampie" is the other most commonly-searched porn term in Colorado, and we're pretty sure that's not a reference to meringue.

7. For Colorado men, the biggest turn off is snobby chicks. For local ladies, it's lack of intelligence. Thank god everyone who lives here is a stoned Nobel Prize winner.

8. Nine percent of Colorado women have nicknames for their vagina. If we were to name a vagina, we'd call it "Deposit Bill Clinton Here."

9. Roughly one third of Colorado ladies have done the deed with another lady. Understandable.

10. Ten percent of Colorado teens aged 15-19 have had anal sex. Blazin' their own trails.

11. According to CBS News, Denver is the eighth sluttiest city in the country. We like to call it colorful. 

12. AshleyMadison.com, a site where you can go to cheat on your partner, ranks Denver as the 10th best place to have an affair. Welcome, home-wreckers.

13. Esquire thinks that Aspen is the fourth sexiest city in the country, based solely on the fact that people there constantly have to strip down and cuddle to avoid hypothermia.

14. During the Superbowl, Coloradans watched 51% less porn … but with that game, they would honestly have used their time more efficiently jacking off, amiright?

15. At any given time, there is an average of 658 Colorado virgins visiting www.waitingtillmarriage.com. In other news, will you marry us?

16. Colorado-fucking-Springs is the best place to find a lasting relationship according to the Wall Street Journal. We're assuming that means you should steer clear of the Springs if you're on the Tinder …

17. Coloradans spend an average of 10 minutes and 59 seconds looking at porn per site visit … almost four times longer than they do having sex.

18. Out of all the Democratic states in the country, Colorado clocks in at #3 for most porn watched … and at #4 in the country if you take away the political affiliation variable. On a related note, Democrats watch 13% more porn than Republicans, so put that in your knowledge sandwich.

19. In Colorado, it's illegal to kiss a sleeping woman and to fuck in a river while bathing. Not to fuck in a river … just while you're soaping up. Safety first, bitches.

20. Thanks to the recent popularity of Orgasmic Meditation in Boulder, it's been called the "clit tickling capital of the world."

So kids, what did we learn today? It looks like Colorado is in the middle of the pack when it comes to doin' the deed but our sexy, slutty residents and weirdly horny teens make up for it. Also, we're great at watching porn! That's definitely something to bake yourself a congratulatory weed pizza about.