In 1980, the Reagan administration declared ketchup a vegetable.

Ketchup: You either love it or can’t live a day without it. Wherever you lie on that expansive spectrum, however, there’s a lot more to this frustratingly slow condiment than just mashed tomatoes and sugar. So, as a salute to the ever-present bottle in everyone's fridge, here are some random-as-fuck facts that will bring your love of ketchup to a whole new paradigm.

1. Ketchup began its journey as an Asian fish sauce that was void of tomatoes. In 1801, “The Sugar House Cookbook” debuted the first tomato ketchup recipe.

2. Up until the 1800s, most people thought tomatoes were poisonous. Ketchup was fine, though, because the "poison" was "cooked" out.

3. After everyone realized tomatoes were in fact not poison, Dr. John Cook Bennett claimed they could cure everything from indigestion to impotence. Ketchup was sold as medicine in both sauce and tablet form. 

4. Lycopene, a powerful antioxidant in tomatoes, helps prevent colon and prostate cancer, but, you have to eat four tablespoons of ketchup to reap any of the benefits. Better super-size that order of fries.

5. In 1876, Henry Heinz introduced tomato ketchup to the American people. The American people collectively said, “Fuck yeah.” 

6. In 1980, the Reagan administration declared ketchup a vegetable — even though tomatoes are technically a fruit — suitable for school lunches. 

7. In the same year, squeeze bottles entered the market because everyone was sick of looking like either a prissy bitch scooping ketchup out of the bottle with a knife, or someone with an unhealthy obsession when the whole bottle emptied onto their burger.

8. The shelf life of an open ketchup bottle is one month on the shelf and six months refrigerated. So next time you’re too drunk to clean up after your barbecue, don’t worry, the ketchup is fine.

9. Applying ketchup to chlorine-damaged hair detoxifies and restores it to its natural color, and the smell brings all the boys to the yard.

10. Ketchup was used in wartime to mask the taste of rancid meat.

11. The USDA says ketchup can be labeled “fancy” if it has fewer solids, less separation and better color, flavor and consistency than plain ketchup.

12. 97 percent of Americans keep ketchup in their fridge.

13. On average, each American consumes three bottles of ketchup every year.

14. 25 percent of ketchup is sugar.

15. Heinz sells 650 million bottles of ketchup each year, collecting $1.5 billion in the process.

16. The FDA regulates how viscous ketchup is. “The consistency of the finished food is such that its flow is not more than 14 cm in 30 sec at 20 deg. when tested in a Bostwick Consistometer …” If it doesn’t meet these stringent requirements, it’s rejected for sale, and sure ain’t fancy.

17. A serving size of ketchup is two ounces.

18. 57 is on a bottle of Heinz ketchup because those were Henry Heinz and his wife’s lucky numbers.

20. Ketchup is a non-Newtonian fluid, which means its viscosity changes depending on how much stress the ketchup is under. This is important to you because if you want a realistic amount of ketchup to snack on you must tap the neck of the bottle instead of pounding on the bottom.

21. A real-life psychologist, Donna Dawson, identified seven “Sauciological Groups,” you can put people in just by creepily watching them eat. Here’s what she found:

  • Dunkers are methodical and trustworthy, secretly though, they’re control freaks that are afraid of change.
  • Those who squirt ketchup in the middle of their plate without a care in the world are ambitious and calculating.
  • Folks who squeeze lines and swirls are creative and impatient.
  • Ketchup dotters are conservative, friendly people who are out-and-proud control freaks.
  • People who draw with their ketchup, are creative, but have way too much time on their hands.
  • If you request your ketchup on the side, you think you’re better than the ketchup, and therefore better than everyone else. Nobody likes you.
  • If you smother everything, you are the life of the party and don’t care what anyone thinks about you and your relationship with ketchup.

Oh, and you should make your own ketchup – it’s super easy and what else do you have going on today?

  • 2 cans of peeled tomatoes
  • 1/2 cup water
  • 2/3 cup sugar
  • 3/4 cup white vinegar
  • 1 tsp onion powder
  • 1/2 tsp garlic powder
  • 1 3/4 tsp salt
  • 1/8 tsp celery salt
  • 1/8 tsp mustard powder
  • 1/4 tsp black pepper

*Add tabasco or peppers for some spice, reduce salt and sugar as needed.

Put all the ingredients into a slow cooker. Stir frequently and cook on medium heat it until it gets thick enough for ketchup. Then, blend it all together to make it smooth, season to taste and put that shit on everything.