I'm 16 years old and I'm here to explain all the lawsuits trying to end Colorado's legal weed to you because my teacher is making me and I'm some sort of idiot savant of marijuana legislation. I may have just gotten my period and my braces off but I am a force to be reckoned with, so, let's do this.

I'm 16 years old and I'm here to explain all the lawsuits trying to end Colorado's legal weed to you because my teacher is making me and I'm some sort of idiot savant of marijuana legislation. I may have just gotten my period and my braces off but I am a force to be reckoned with, so, let's do this.

1. States of Nebraska and Oklahoma v. State of Colorado

Do you have any friends who are jealous of you because you're a hot slut and give no fucks? That's what this lawsuit is like.

Nebraska and Oklahoma are like Beth R. and Tina Jacobsen. They used to be your friends when you were growing up and you lived next door to each other but as you got older and you got tits first, they just couldn't handle the way you were maturing.

And then one night when you get invited to Bobby's party and they don't, they get like, so >:( and then they start talking shit? And then they like tell your parents you went to the party and your parents are like "WTF GIRL U 16." Colorado is the hot slut and weed is Bobby's party. No one even understands you!

Nebraska and Oklahoma are saying Colorado can't just be independent and find new friends and make their own laws. They were like, "a state may not establish its own policy that is directly counter to federal policy against trafficking in con-trolled substances or establish a state-sanctioned system for possession, production, licensing, and distribution of drugs in a manner which interferes with the federal drug laws that prohibit possession,use, manufacture, cultivation, and/or distribution of certain drugs, including marijuana." Normally, you'd need some ice for that burn but ever since your older brother started buying you Bacardi, you don't have time deal with haters.

Lawsuit status: #justchillin. The U.S. Supreme Court has not accepted or rejected the case, but Beth R. totally got rejected at Winter Ball. No new friends.

2. Safe Street Alliance, Phillis Windy Hope Reilly and Michael P. Reilly v. Alternative Holistic Healing, Gov. John Hickenlooper and others

OMG DRAMAAAA. Pueblo peeps Phillis Windy Hope Reilly (whose parents obvi smoked weed with that name) and her husband, Michael P. Reilly are saying that the Alternative Holistic Healing dispensary that wants to open near their place is engaging in racketeering, aka organized crime, aka mob shit, like horse head in your bed stuff. Super awkward when they run into each other at the froyo place where everyone goes to just be themselves.

Plaintiffs seek damages and an injunction against the marijuana business — and, NO I WON'T COME DOWN FOR DINNER DAD I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY I'M IN CHARGE OF MY OWN BODY. 

Lawsuit status: Bored, lol, gonna take a selfie.

Safe Street Alliance and New Vision Hotels Two v. Medical Marijuana of the Rockies and others

Did Aaron seriously just SnapChat me a picture of his pen15? OMG WHY that's sooo sexist.

So, this one is just a mess, like your face, lol. Look, I've triend marijuana and it didn't even get me high so I don't know what the big d is but the Holiday Inn is saying that Medical Marijuana of the Rockies (dispensary, duh) is engaging in racketeering and organized crime because they want to open up a cultivation place and a store near the hotels in Frisco, CO.

Uh, that's like saying Becky is cheating on Andrew because she's standing near Tim.

Lawsuit status: Misunderstood but applying to the University of Vermont 🙁

Sheriffs and prosecutors v. Gov. John Hickenlooper

Sex, haha I mean six, Colorado sheriffs and plaintiffs are suing Colorado saying that "the federal government has preeminent authority to regulate interstate and foreign commerce, including commerce involving legal and illegal trafficking in drugs, such as marijuana." I mean, do you even lift bro?

Translation: Someone doesn't wanna play dodgeball in P.E. These slackers are off in their own world considering juggalo-ism and ensuring their long term virginity even in the face of overpowering desire.

The Colorado sheriffs are from Larimer, Yuma, Elbert, Hinsdale, Kiowa, and Delta counties (skipped that day in Geography, wut). They argue that they "have a duty to uphold both the U.S. and Colorado constitutions, and that marijuana legalization means they must violate one of those constitutional requirements." Yeah kind of like the time that I had a duty to hang out with Maggie and another to hang out with Tess but I just got fingered by your older brother instead.

Lawsuit status: Studying for finals, don't even know what an asymptote is.