Tell that dirtbag you (don't) care with one of these hilariously dumb, yet marginally affordable gifts.
Telling someone they’re a piece of shit may come off as rude. Simply positing the idea that they’re an annoying sub-human via a passive-aggressive 'I hate you' gift is much easier.
Here are a few products that should help you accomplish such a task.
For your step-dad "Terry" …
The Ramen Noodle and Virtual Girlfriend Combo Pack
Perfect for that all-around piece of shit that can’t find a girlfriend who isn't your mom (lookin' at you, "Terry").
The “Men’s Delusion Curry–Orange Flavor,” (as it is roughly translated) is a scrumptious bowl microwavable noodles that comes with a POV-style DVD showing the buxom model, Mao Harada, roleplaying as the viewer’s girlfriend. Just cue up the microwave and press ‘Play.’ Mao will be breakin’ virtual hearts in no time, a delusional curry boner tucked stalwartly in the waistband of a pair of week-old DVDs.
The video is divided into segments, each personally tailored to fit the level of psychosexual delusion inhabited by your step-dad Terry. These include “The Younger Girlfriend,” “The Older Girl Who Lives Next Door is Sort of Risqué,” and – most aptly of all – “Harada Made a Home-Cooked Meal.” Just take your pick… because nothing seemingly goes with disgusting minute noodles like a set of distended blue balls belonging to your fill-in father.
The packs are going for $13 a pop which is a steal compared to taking your mom on an actual date to Little Panda.
For your incorrigible roommate …
The BUD-e Fridge
Budweiser, the King of Beers has painstakingly engineered a “smart fridge” that alerts individuals via SMS when a beer is either removed or added to the fridge. Perfect for that flip-flop wearing meathead roommate in our lives who loves to interrogate us with, “Where’d you get that Bud, bruh?”
It also alerts individuals via a text notification when the beers achieve ideal temperature of 37 degrees Fahrenheit, which is apparently the optimal temperature for enjoying the most nondescript beer you’ve ever tasted.
The BUD-e Fridge is very real and it can be yours for $500… which is about $440 more than this mini fridge currently available on Denver Craigslist, although this one doesn’t survey your Budweisers as if they were individual Fabergé Eggs. Your call…
For your mortal enemy co-worker who you got stuck with for Secret Santa …
Granny Panties Hat
Telling someone they’re a shithead in fewer words has never been easier thanks to the new stylish … whatever this is. Japanese designer Korotoro, personally creates each pair of… er… each hat for originality so no two dumbasses wearing them are the same.
No, seriously you look great in it …
They're only $21 each, so you can rest easy knowing that you exacted your seething revenge upon your co-worker for about the same price as dinner for two at Panera Bread.
For your tramp of an ex …
The "Microwave For One" cookbook by Sonia Allison
What's the only thing that stings worse than the new pain of singledom? The slow, decades-long effect of microwave radiation, of course!
These are both things your ex should have, don't you think?
Author Sonia Allison sure does, and she's here to prove it with an entire cookbook of recipes intended to remind single people how little love and culinary know-how they have in their lives. Each recipe is intended for no more than one lonely heart, and requires little enough effort that they can get back to fucking your best friend or slowly depleting you of cash and emotional resources in no time.
All this can be yours for the low, low price of … $39,997.99 on Amazon. Perfect!