To hell with wishlists. Our naughty or nice track record is dismal; therefore, we’re not leaving anything up to chance. We know just what Santa wants, and we’re not talking about two elves and Mrs. Claus in the carpentry room. Here is our list of changes the world — and we — wish to see this year.

To hell with wishlists. Our naughty or nice track record is dismal; therefore, we’re not leaving anything up to chance. We know just what Santa wants, and we’re not talking about two elves and Mrs. Claus in the carpentry room. Here is our list of changes the world — and we — wish to see this year.

1. Siracha becomes a superfood.

2. Removal of extreme hand-driers that alert everyone to you just using the bathroom.

3. Justin Beiber impregnates Miley Cyrus, then comes out of the closet. Because, YOLO.

4. Kanye West breaks down and admits he has ED. World finally understands his pain.

5. Cell phone companies reimburse you money every time you have shitty service.

6. Plinko arrives at our local bank for customer appreciation day every month.

7. Sunday Funday is a recognized religion; even garnering a day off if necessary.

8. Popsicles will always be in the freezer.

9. Ugly dogs — as determined by us — are banned and ticketed in our neighborhood.

10. Baby white tigers become Rooster’s official office pets.

11. Pope dawns a new flat-bill hat in place of papal tiara.

12. Emoticons for every sexual fetish will be part of digital lexicon to avoid confusion.

13. Weekends will no longer be arbitrarily set for two days but dependent on how long you can keep drinking at one beer per hour.

14. Health insurance covers depression-induced alcohol bills.

15. Dream-machine allows you to record dreams and watch them.

16. Fox News hires female anchors for every other news network.

17. Rachel Maddow finally admits Chris Hayes is her love child with Joe Scarborough.

18. Relationship remote control: Control your relationship like your TV with pause, fast forward and stop the fucking argument.

19. Each month, we’re given one punch toward anyone we want, no repercussions or disputes.

20. Automatic erotic indicators: Women who are turned-on simply light up.

21. Office hammocks.

22. 15-minute time-reversal watches; if a pick-up line or job interview didn’t go well, hit the button and go back in time 15 minutes. Just like that shitty Adam Sandler movie.

23. New primetime television shows: prison gladiators; super-model wrestling; congressional fear factor.

24. Micro-pigs for all.

25. Pres. Obama comes clean that he’s a sub guy in the bedroom.

26. Valentine’s Day will be shifted to Feb. 29.

27. Beer vending machines at the DMV.

28. Every time a politician lies, his or her nipples grow.

29. Our car comes equipped with a small red button that, when pushed, removes all traffic congestion.

30. All community “European” bullshit tables must go. If we wanted to hang out with people at dinner, we would have invited them.

31. No more cash register donations; we just spent more than our budget on random stoner snacks, and now you’re going to make us feel bad for not donating to starving children?

32. When going to the bathroom, phone automatically begins buzzing and the alarm will sound if you forget it.

33. All high fives are moved to the standard “up-high” slap. Enough of the awkward pump-fist-slap-grab-pound-cup greeting.

34. We learn once and for all whether the Backroom Casting Couch is fake or real.

35. Members of congress forced to read all legislation Clockwork Orange style.

36. If you use more than three buzz words to describe your job, you no longer have one.

37. Guys learn that having sex like the magic toy drinking bird is not the way it's done.

38. Anyone who films someone getting beat up and yells "WORLD STAR!" gets mutilated.

39. All dubstep DJs must give a disclaimer before sampling a song that's not their own.

40. Nobody is ever allowed to listen to Incubus ever again, or else.