We're going to self-decapitate if we have to watch "Love Actually" one more time …

Tis’ the season to be systematically fed yuletide bullshit. Whether it’s incessant commercialism-themed Hallmark commercials or watching a claymation Yukon Cornelius battle with the Abominable Snowman, it can be a little excruciating if you're not natrually imbued with the hoiliday enthusiasm of Ned Flanders.

Good thing there are plenty of anti-Christmas Christmas movies out there for your entertainment. Here are a few to get you through the season and simultaneously fulfill that festive obligation.

Lethal Weapon

“Hey, that’s not a Christmas movie!” Yeah, well, it takes place at Christmas time. There are Christmas lights, a Christmas tree, snow, they even play “Jingle Bell Rock” during the opening credits, so it counts. Watching ‘Lethal Weapon’ while being over spiked on Egg Nog is seasonally second to none, and probably what Santa does the other 364 days of the year to cope with his crippling love for Mel Gibson. Fact.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Fat Val Kilmer kills it because he's fat and Val Kilmer. And Robert Downey Jr. seemingly plays a more neurotic version of himself and nails several on-point monologues. It takes place during Christmas and it beats the shit out of watching fucking ‘Frosty the Snowman’ for the 10,000th time.

Die Hard

It takes place on Christmas Eve, so — semantically speaking — case closed. What’s more of a quintessential post 9/11 American Christmas movie than watching John McClane and the Dad from ‘Family Matters’ kick terrorist ass? That’s right, nothing.

Rocky IV

At the very end of the movie Stallone says “Merry Christmas.” Fulfills the criteria. Boom. Your girlfriend will hate it, you will love it. Throw another log on the fire (or huddle awkwardly in the uneven warmth of your space heater), drink something alcoholic and enjoy a star-spangled clad Stallone kick some Soviet ass in the name of Jesus' birthday.


It’s weird and awesome and full of a bunch of crude animatronic Furbies that wreck havoc because someone fed them after midnight. Makes about as much sense as Santa breaking into your home via the chimney you don't have, but just chill. Burn one for good measure and just let it happen. It’s better than attempting to fill-in the gaps with “A Christmas Story” from a lifetime of sort of watching portions of the film and being on the whole significantly under-whelmed. No one outside of say a nursing home resident really likes the movie to begin with. Great, the ‘Ovaltine’ scene and ‘the lamp.’ Next. Real Talk. Social musing of the day: Why is this still a thing, really? Talk amongst yourselves …