The most important part of a complete breakfast isn't spider-fllled bananas or protein, it's sex. Glorious, glorious sex. Turns out getting it on the morning does so much for your health, that you might actually want to get up in the morning (pun totally intended).
Getting out of bed has to be one of the hardest things out there — next to riding a black bear. Energy sapped and the world waiting, you rise from bed and bee-line for a cup of pure, concentrated caffeine to inject into your veins. Luckily, there’s an energy alternative to the black breakfast heroin that’s more fun and won’t give you the shakes. It’s called sex. Like a morning workout, morning sex pumps oxygen-rich blood to your heart, lungs and brain, heightening the senses and raising energy levels, preparing you for the impending daily shitstorm called your life.
2. Stress Relief
Anxious about your job? Worried about global unrest? Need another drink? Whatever it is in the morning that’s keeping you coiled up in a ball can simply be alleviated with a prescription of morning sex. America’s favorite breakfast activity does more for your stress levels than you’d think. During the horizontal mambo, the body releases a hormone called oxytocin. This hormone’s tranquility-inducing qualities not only lower blood pressure but also produce feelings of empathy and calmness. Cool, calm and sexually collected; the world is your oyster.
Morning, especially Monday morning, is a time of life contemplation oscillating between self-aggrandizement and a depressing realization about your life accomplishments. Do you have any conceivable reason for getting out of bed in the morning? We didn’t think so. Morning sex can help with that. Starting the day off with a bowl of Cheerio-o-o-Os raises your sense of self- perception, boosts self-esteem and gives you a shimmering glow visible only to other morning fornicators. It’s not just science; it’s morning sex.
4. Immune System
Walking through the petri dish otherwise known as our society, it’s hard not to contemplate taking vitamin A thru Z injections just to fend off the sneezing kids and feces-covered shopping carts. Instead of starting your day off with a tall glass of orange juice or a vitamin C suppository, opt for the alternative of knocking-boots immunity. Sex boosts the immune system through a number of means, most importantly by increasing levels of the antibody immunoglobin A. Pronunciation aside, immunoglobin A is your new great pick-up line. Just remember, if your partner says no, ask him if getting sick and dying is worth passing on morning sex.
5. Burn Calories
Health nuts and 24-hour meatheads won’t hesitate to tell you working out in the morning is the best way to start your day. But if you’re like us and hate those people, a morning workout sounds about as fun as sticking your genitals in a bear trap. That’s why we’ve prescribed ourselves a daily morning workout regimen of bumping uglies. Morning sex combines the lifting, squatting, grunting, moaning, screaming and crying of your daily workout routine into a fun-for- all-involved experience. Get your pelvic thrusts, glute flexes and calf rises in before you even step out of bed.