Fill up a bathtub with $7 cheap champagne.
Champagne seems real bougie and high-brow. To be a bonafied Champagne, the sparkling wine must come from the Champagne region of France which is the epitome of being an asshole drink. But the bubbly booze itself, and its sparkling wine equivalents like prosecco and cava, have savage and sexy origins that lead us to believe we should be drinking ONLY sparkling wine this holiday season… and things will get real naughty as a result.
Sexy champagne fact number one: traditional coupe glasses (think great Gatsby) were supposedly modeled from boobs. The last queen of France Marie Antoinette’s boobs to be exact. So be sure to bring coupe glasses to your party, for historically-accurate drinking.
Freaky champagne fact number two: since champagne is made with an intense amount of pressure (more carbonation than beer), it used to be so dangerous for winemakers to produce they had to wear helmets. Like, metal battle-inspired helmets. If you’ve ever been hit with a cork, you’ll understand why.
Bizarre fact three: before you assume a hedonist aristocratic dick created champagne to divide the rich from the poor, you’ll be surprised to know champagne was created by a 17th century monk that was almost completely blind. His name was Dom Pierre Perignon. Omm to that.
Bonus sexy fact: Marilyn Monroe took a bath in champagne, which should give you some ideas on what to do with these great (much cheaper) alternatives to champagne below.
Since champagne itself is pretty expensive (think $50-$200 for a single bottle), we went on a mission to find the best cheaper alternatives that you can bring to your office Christmas party, friends ugly sweater get-together, or as we mentioned above, to fill a bathtub with and get weird.
Pick up a bottle (or 10) of these:
Le Grand Courtâge Blanc de Blanc Brut, $24
A blanc de blanc is a sparkling wine made exclusively of white grapes. This bottle by Le Grand Courtâge is a perfect mix of dry and acidic, with hints of Meyer lemon and some floral notes (if anyone asks). The bubbles are tiny, which is usually an indicator of a higher-quality champagne.
Anna de Codorniu, $14.99
If your plan is to drink with the honies, bring Anna de Cordorniu. It’s a slightly more feminine blanc de blanc made in Spain (take that, frogs), and will get you legitimately tipsy. We drank a bottle and were drunk. The bubbles are fine and fresh citrus notes of grapefruit and lime make the drink refreshing. Please chill your sparkling wine. Otherwise it’s trash.
Chloe Prosecco, $13.99
A product of Prosecco, Italy, Chloe is a big bottle of bubbly for under $15. There’s a hint of minerality among notes of peach, green apple, and citrus, which makes it an earthy champagne alternative that isn’t too sweet. (Sweetness= headache tomorrow.)
All you need to know is that the matte black bottle looks slick and sexy (meaning you’ll show up to the party and be seen as slick and sexy), and the taste is smooth and dry. It says “Extra Dry” but honestly, it’s a nice middle ground that everyone will like. Tastes of peach, melon, and candied citrus come into play. This is your champagne bath tub wine.
Scarpetta Prosecco, $3.15
Charlie, Dennis, and Mac would be happy to hear there’s a fancy canned option to replace expensive champagnes. Scarpetta is an individually canned prosecco— aka, an Italian white wine using Glera grapes. These cans are mobile, the taste is clean and crisp with fresh apple notes, and the bubbles are bubbly.