We're down with the movement, but we have some questions first …

The #FreetheNipple movement is great. It's progressive, fair and most importantly, it will make women happy and equal — both things of which we are huge advocates for. Plus, there will be a lot more breasts everywhere, which sounds like our kind of party.

But it also leaves us, and a lot of other men … and some women … with loads of burning, unanswered questions that we need clarified, like, right now. We just want to be prepared:

1. Will you still get angry at us if we stare at them?

One of the aims of the #FreetheNipple movement is to desexualize boobs. So technically, if the nipples are freed like Willy and stripped of their raw sexual appeal, then staring at them would be just like looking at a woman’s eyes or hair, right?

If the answer is no, you won't get angry when we stare at them then: … honestly that's really cool. It takes a lot of confidence and strength to be gawked at and not give a shit. But, it's highly unlikely that every single woman will be able to brush off the inevitable leering, is it not? Some will handle that shit, others will feel objectified and violated. Either feeling is valid, but one thing's for certain, it's unrealistic for you to put boobs in boob lovers' faces, then tell them not to look — so please don't punch us.

If the answer is yes, you will still be angry when we stare: can we at least have a grace period to adjust to this whole setup? It's been ingrained into a man’s DNA to lust for those things, so it might take a while to get used to.

2. Will they retain their sexy allure?

Our gut instinct suggests that men will never tire of boobs or fail to be turned on by them. That said, where do you expect them to hide all the boners they will be subjected to? Boners are so unproductive when you are trying to walk around in public and go about your day-to-day life. Will there also be a #FreetheBoner movement to account for all the free-range nips? Should we all just get naked? Yes? Alright, see you there.

We’re totally sorry, and this is so not fair, but if women start washing cars and going for jogs topless, it will be like soft core porn everywhere we look. On that note, what will happen to the soft core porn industry?

More importantly, in the off chance men somehow become desensitized to nipples à la the way women apparently were to men’s boobs, why would you want to give away your Kryptonite? Are you comfortable with your boobs losing their sexual mystique? They hold so much power (so much!) and there's no doubt those two luscious orbs have an erotic hold on at least half of society (women included). What will happen when they're no more mysterious and arousing than your right knee?

Also, will nip normalization defer people's innate tendency to sexualize the human body elsewhere? Will vaginas and labia and uteri suddenly take on the deficit in anatomical eroticism that arises as a result of boobs no longer being x-rated? Not that that's a bad thing, but these are the questions we ask ourselves …

3. Are men's and women's boobs equal now?

Part of the #FreetheNipple argument includes a history lesson, which reminds us that men weren't always allowed to strut around topless either. It took a movement in which men had to fight for their rights to expose their pepperoni slices to change that, and #FreetheNipple looks to do the same for women.

Thing is, although giving women the right to show nips means equality … male and female boobs aren't really equal.

See, there was never, or will never be, a time when the same enthusiastic admiration would be used towards male boobs. Male boobs are pretty cool if you're muscular, but in most cases, especially in the case of moobs, they're nothing to watch obsessively on the Internet for. They don't sell beer or have a Pornhub category or look beautiful in lace. Male boobs are not procreative. They are not power-packed with pleasurable nerve endings that, when stimulated correctly, can lead to orgasm. Female boobs are. They're naturally erotic because they have both reproductive and recreational sexual potential. Male boobs are a vestige, female boobs are a pleasure palace.

4.  Is there a planned age limit for women to start being able to free those things?

We think we speak for most men in that we would prefer to not see any women under the age of 18 going topless, especially any of our future daughters.

Boobs are, and will likely always be highly sexual for men who are alive — like right now — and it would be awkward for many if 15-year-olds were allowed to walk around topless.

More broadly, is true equality to impose age limit restrictions? Fourteen-year-old boys can be topless, and by that logic, fourteen-year-old girls should be able to be as well, provided you're taking a staunch, equal-boob view of the situation.

Clearly, it's not real, honest equality if we protect female children and teens from danger by making it illegal to go topless until their 18th birthdays … which is what we should do. Are women okay with pseudo-equality then?

5. What kinds of expectations will we have of women once their nipples are roaming free?

What if you're a woman with two perfectly functioning nipples, but you don't want to free them? Will more modest women seem unfairly puritanical and square? What's to stop men from choosing a woman with freed nipples over one who won't show them while in line at the DMV?

Will this generate a whole new kind of harassment? Like when a woman walks by a construction site, and instead of getting catcalled for her lack of smiling, or something stupid like that, will the dumb men be like, "Why aren't your nipples free?"

What we're getting at ,is that the normalization of nipples, while a major step forward for gender equality, will likely also come with a set of expectations about which women should show nips when, and where. We suppose we'll have to deal with those issues when they come.

Put us at ease: can someone please give us answers to these questions, telling us everything is going to be okay? In the meantime, here's a personal account of when one of our writers freed the nipple at a yoga class in Boulder. An essential mountainside read for anyone who believes in nipple rights.