We tried to tell you, but you were too busy asking us what the difference was between panties and underwear is …
1. Don't ever touch her clit without wetness
Okay, so you figured out where her clit is. Now you think you're the big man on campus. Trust us, everyone is cheering for you with tears of joy streaming down their face and banners and a marching band, but there's one thing you need to know before you accept the key to the city. You can't touch it without wetness. Unless her vagina is a permanent geyser, you can't just take your dry-ass finger and start rubbing away. That shit either hurts or feels like nothing.
Thankfully there's three ways you can skirt that little hiccup and continue on your path to clitoral glory. First, spit. Put it on your finger or on her clit. Second, slip a finger into her vagina, and use her natural lubricant as clit lube, like God intended. Third, store-bought lube. Ain't no shame in lube; it'll make whatever you're doing feel silkier and healthier for her.
With any of those methods, you're not looking to drown her clit; this isn't Titanic. Just a little wetness and bam; you're a king. If she's super horny, she might already be wet everywhere, and you might not need anything extra. But you're gonna have to blaze that trail for yourself, young man or woman.
2. Breaking news: nipples aren't dicks
We're not doctors, but we can tell you with a fair degree of certainty that nipples are not boob-penises. You don't need to project your special penile needs onto our nipples when you're playing with them.
So many guys approach a nipple like they were trying to give it head, by bobbing up and down with it in their mouth, progressively faster, or flicking their tongues three million miles an hour on them. But think about that; what kind of sense does that make? No sense, that's what kind. No life-containing fluid that simultaneously signals the beginning of life and the end of sex is coming out of them.
Instead, use your fingers or tongue to slowly caress them. Make circles on her areolas around her nipples, using a soft touch. Lightly pinch or suck them. Think about what would feel good on you if the positions were reversed … you have nipples too (maybe, we don't know you), so ask yourself what kind of touch would titillate you, pun definitely intended.
3. Slow the fuck down
You know this. But you get so excited. And start gyrating. And jack-hammering. And having a conniption. Stop it. There's no need for your convulsions. We're not going anywhere. We made a special time in our day to fuck you, and we expected it to take more than three minutes. There is not a 1,500 pound sabertooth beast that's coming to murder you if you don't pound us like you were breaking ground on a national library.
Whether you're making out, feeling us up, going down on us, or fucking us, going too fast makes you seem overeager. And that makes you seem childish. Which makes you seem inexperienced. Which gives us flashbacks of the early '00s. Which is not good because then we start thinking about the Spice Girls and which one we'd fire if we were their tour manager (Sporty).
Almost everything you can do to a chick feels so much better if it's slow and deliberate. Nothing that's flailing and rapid feels good … unless she asks you for something like that, which is entirely possible so there's still hope for your and your uncontrollable appendages. You're hyped!
4. Please, please, please pin us against a wall. P.S. Please.
Dear Santa, all we want for Christmas is to be pinned against a wall and made out with. That almost never doesn't work when it comes to turning our pussies into rainforests. We mean, what do you want us to do? Rub your feet for a year? Do a striptease to the Star Wars theme song? Fine. Put the DVD in because we're willing to make a trade for it. Any part of sex, whether it's making out or fucking, that happens against a wall is like … so … sorry what were we saying?
It's one of those things that 99.9% of girls think is insanely hot, but it only happens -0.03% of the time because men underestimate how much most women like to be "taken." It makes the ladies feel wanted, and the whole "I'm so desirable" thing is really arousing for us. It makes us feel like we have control over you, but you're breaking the control because we're irresistible. If that sounds self-absorbed, that's because it is!
Bonus points if you can hold our face while you kiss us with one hand, and run your fingers over our nipples (the ones that aren't dicks) with the other.
And just like that, Rooster does soft core porn!
5. Let's talk about 69
It's such a perfect concept; two people getting pleasured orally at the same time. But sometimes perfect concepts, like flying cars or cheesy bread, are stupid. Sixty-nine is one of those perfect concepts, but in reality, we're dislocating our necks trying to give you good head while simultaneously trying to enjoy the mediocre head you're giving us because you're too busy trying to enjoy the mediocre head we're giving you. It's even worse than readint that sentence.
But if we're going to do this, for the love of Christ, please let us be on top. When you're on top, a few unsavory things happen. First, our nose goes into your asshole. Like straight-up penetration. Second, dangling your dick into our esophagus and thrusting like a plunger plunging a toilet is about one molecule away from asphyxiation, and that's going to be really hard to explain on your Chipotle line cook application. Third, it's impossible for us to give you good head in that position; we're basically just doing crunches, and our record for crunches is 8.5.
But, we can still do it. If you want. If you promise to push up against a wall and make out with us later. Just put a pillow under your head and let us get on top; we'll give you better head and we'll spend less time having our life flash before our eyes. Sexual!