Your micro-newscast of what's worth a brain cell.

Your micro-newscast of what's worth a brain cell this week.

1. A mother's love is stronger than a mountain lion's jaws

Just in case the mood strikes, we'd like you to know that it's fully possible to wrench your toddler's head out of a mountain lion's frothing, murderous mouth if you so desire.

Who do we have to thank for this valuable intel? An unnamed Colorado woman who made headlines by doing just that over the weekend. After hearing her five year-old son scream for help, story goes the woman found him halfway down a mountain lion's throat before she pried its jaws open with her bare hands and pulled him out. The toddler's fine, except he now bears the eternal responsibility of coming home for Christmas every year from now until the rest of time. That's just the strength of a mother's love.

Now, prying your head out of that fedora you've been wearing to seem "cool?" Not even mom can help you there.

2. Donald Trump's campaign manager went bye-bye

After probably 36 million billion allegations of assault and sexual harassment against Trump's much maligned campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, The Donald has let him go. 

"You're fired!" he probably, definitely said.

Many people are applauding Trump's decision in light of the fact that Lewandowski was involved in almost as much scandal as the Orange One himself, but what exactly does this mean for your weekend?

Well, seeing as how Trump's infamously unseen PR manager is a 27 year-old former model with no political experience, expect cloudy, with a chance of Trump finding someone like, we don't know, Flavor Flav to head up his campaign. Also, we wouldn't bee too shocked if we saw a little change of direction from glistening dung pile that is Trump HQ, as whatever fresh-faced newbie he births out of his thoracic duct attempts to resurrect his struggling campaign.

3. The iPhone 7 might suck less thanks to a few new improvements that help you lead a double life of romance and intrigue

The latest version of the beloved electronic device that reminds you your storage is full might have a dual headphone jack and be able to accommodate two SIMs and, therefore two separate numbers at once. A big win for your secret life as an illegal importer of dolphins indeed.

Here's to hoping subsequent versions will remind you of your storage shortage yet even more frequently, seeing as the current model still allows for a small sense of happiness in users.

Moving on.

4. There have been 11 mass shootings since Orlando

In the week following America's deadliest mass shooting ever, 11 more mass shootings have taken place across the country, leaving an additional 59 people dead and 86 wounded.

With these numbers in, it appears that the body count for mass shootings now exceeds Timothy McVeigh's 1995 Oklahoma City bombing and the September 11 attacks, the latter of which claimed a total of 168 lives.

This is all leading up to some magic number Congress apparently needs to pass any sort of protective federal gun legislation.

Orlando was not an isolated event. Clearly, it's the most fatal manifestation of the wider epidemic of gun violence in the United States, but one of its most disturbing facets is that it wasn't out of the ordinary. And it will continue to not be until the number of people killed exceeds the number of people who feel entitled to own weapons simply because our Constitution gives them the right to do so.

5. The DEA is set to rule on the rescheduling of marijuana

As we speak, the DEA is in the process of deciding what it wants to do about marijuana, the result of which will have wide-ranging implications on the state-sanctioned marijuana industry.

There are three options.

1. Keep it as a Schedule 1 substance alongside heroin and meth.

2. Reschedule it to a Schedule 2, 3, 4 or 5 substance.

3. Deschedule it entirely.

If the DEA reschedules marijuana, the industry could be welcomed into the mainstream economy. However, if this is the case, rescheduled marijuana will fall under FDA control, meaning the exact sort of Monsanto-esque big marijuana scenario pot theorists predict could easily occur. Currently, the FDA cannot research or distribute Schedule 1 substances, which has made researching weed exceedingly difficult as the government organization both funds and approves many studies that examine how what we consume affects our health. As a result, very little conclusive evidence about weed's health effects has been presented. Rescheduling it would definitely help that in theory, although having the country's most powerful government organization outside the military to fund your little weed study might inherently come with a little bias. Who knows.

However, if the DEA decides marijuana is still a Schedule I drug, states will still be allowed to keep their marijuana markets intact, which is in line with the Supreme Court's ruling that states can choose how they handle weed. No one's going to be swooping down from Black Ops helicopters to snatch your joint and throw you in solitary … things will just keep on keepin' on how they are now.

No date on the decision quite yet, so for now, just focus on perfecting that weed lasagna recipe. That's really all that matters.