Just because weed is legal doesn't mean you can relax completely. You still need to hide your stash from bandits, robbers, children and aliens … and here are five of the best places to do it.
Listen, for most of you, this is not the kind of list that you look at and think, “Wow, radical, I should try that out.” Weed is legal. People are chill about it …
… For the most part.
For some of us, we’re still struggling to conceal our stash, either because we live in states where weed = heroin-death-murder-plague, or because our roommates are too lazy to get a red card and have developed a bloodlust for weed marked "MINE, ASSHOLE."
For those of you who fit that description, this list is your last-ditch effort to keep your goods away from the noses of the ignorant and the maligned who might try to steal your shit away from you.
As such, these are the uncomfortable options. Because when the going gets tough, you’re gonna need your ol’ bud beside you. No matter what.
1. The Meat Cooler
Maybe you’re traveling to a less-than-weed-friendly state. Maybe you’re going to a mind-numbingly dull corporate picnic and are absolutely sure that this is not something any soul should endure sober. Whatever you’re thinking, start thinking this. The stench of poorly stored meat in the summer air. Nestle that psychoactive oregano down between the rotting chunks of carcass, or underneath a layer of ice, and chill.
Not even a dog could sniff it out, or rather, they could, but they’d be far too distracted by your juicy T-bone to care about your special green seasoning.
This is not the loud-mouthed, bong-ripping bear we’ve been seeing so much of lately. This is your favorite Build-a-Bear, your near-and-dear stuffed toy with a velcro pouch. Simple as simple can be, just cut a little tear and in your plastic baggie of goods goes. The only risk you run is looking like a raved-out adolescent, but all’s fair in love and drugs. Just don’t let anyone sniff your fluffy friend if you’re carting some smelly stuff around … but don’t get too paranoid because bear-sniffing is pretty uncommon in these parts (earth). Better yet, throw in some lavender clippings to offset it.
3. Saint Nic
Not Santa, dumbass. Nicotine. Especially fine and fancy for anyone out there who enjoys spliffs, and has one of those fancy contraptions that rolls up your smokes perfectly round. It’s a simple concept: get something pungent from the cigarette aisle first and foremost. If you’ve never smoked a Djarum Black before, they’re fantastic and highly recommended. Just take out your nicotine, mix it up with your wacky tobaccy, and roll it right back up to put in the box. So long as they’re round, have just nicotine on the tip, and the color of the rolling paper roughly matches that of the tobacco in question, you’re in the clear. Happy smoking, dear friend.
4. Your New Favorite Sneaks
The options are endless here. Still able to fit into those very chill Wheelies? You can rig ‘em right up to make a handy dandy storage device right in the bottom where the wheels come out.
Also, sneakers have a thick tongue on ‘em. Shove your weed right in under it. Got some toe space in those steel-toed boots you were convinced would make you feel tough? You see where I’m going with this.
If you’re most people, your foot stench will be plenty handy in getting rid of any smell. Bad news is it could get a bit sweaty.
5. Nature’s Pocket
See: Vagina. Put your stuff where you’ve put so much other stuff before, and relax knowing no one except the gyno has a clue where it is.
There’s an added component to the scheme here, from someone who knows your struggles, who feels the disillusionment that may come from the knowledge that there is a plastic baggie of green floating around in your vag. Two words for you: menstrual cups. They’re the pocket within a pocket, and you can put you weed in them for an extra layer of security. You’re welcome.