#1. Gently sweep it into a cup and release it back into the wild so that it may live to reproduce and thrive … Not! Ha ha, jokes on you, suckers! This ain't no sappy ass Mother-Earth-loves-all-her-children post, this is a fuck-you-spiders-and-fuck-you hard guide to arachnid obliteration. Let's get crafty!

#1. Gently sweep it into a cup and release it back into the wild so that it may live to reproduce and thrive … Not! Ha ha, jokes on you, suckers! This ain't no sappy ass Mother-Earth-loves-all-her-children post, this is a fuck-you-spiders-and-fuck-you hard guide to arachnid obliteration. Let's get crafty!

1. Burn the the place down and collect that sick insurance money

This one's easy, and fun for the whole family. All you need are some matches and a thirst for spider suffering. Simply place a few lit matches in a creative pentagram pattern on your living room floor and watch as everything you've ever known and loved burns to the ground … along with that spider that ran across your face this morning. Let's see you touch my nostril now, you crispy little fucker! The key here not to save your pets, clothing, or priceless family heirlooms; it'll look like arson if you do, and in legal lingo, arson spells "no insurance money, loser!" The point here is to collect the cash, take it to what remains of your home, find the spot where the spider assaulted you, and rub the cash the face of its ghost. Gotcha, douchebag.

2. Paper mache prison

Now's the time to try out that creative paper mache project you've always wanted to start. For the mache, all you'll need is flour and water. In a bowl, pour the water over the flour and mix it until you reach your desired spider-slaughtering consistency. We like to use a little more water to create a thinner mache; it'll dry slower, thereby prolonging the death of the spider by at least a tantalizing hour or so. You can even add some fun food coloring or glitter if you want! Once that mache is golden, rip some strips of newspaper, and dip them in the mache. Then, when you've got the little eight-armed freak right where you want him, simply lay the strip of paper over top of him. If he's a big one, use multiple strips, making sure to press down on the edges of the paper to crush his hopes of escape. Once it's dried, it's party time! He'll shrivel up and wither like a bitch in a few days. Paint over the dried mache to conceal what you've done, or simply hang a photo of Napoleon riding a horse in front of the spot.

3. Candle of doom

Making homemade candles has always been a nice, DIY way to decorate your home. And, when you couple the joy of making your own candles with the utter ecstacy of killing a spider that for some goddamn reason thinks your bathtub is a place it should exist, it's just too much fun to handle. You'll need the following: wax, twine, water, and a double-boiler (a small bowl inside a saucepan will do). Boil the water, place the wax in the double boiler, and melt the wax. While it's melting, grab a cup and a piece of paper, and put that fucker in the cup. Bring it over to where you have the wax boiling. When it's ready, quickly remove the paper over the cup and pour the liquid wax in, all over the spider, grinning maniacally until the cup is full. Before the wax hardens, put a piece of twine in it for the wick. Once everything's set and hardened, light the candle as a sign of respect for the spider; your way of saying "Nice try, and see you in hell."

4. Decorative pressed spiders

Did you know you can make beautiful pressed-flower art using spiders instead? All you need is a journal with thick, blank pages. We'd suggest a Moleskin or something similar; they've got hardy cardboard coverings that trap even the most muscular of arachnids inside. The moisture from the spider will cause the pages to wrinkle, so be sure to choose a journal that can be damaged. Simply flip the journal open to the desired page, lure the spider to that area, and spring! Quick, don't let it get away or it'll have babies in your ear canals! Close the book and press down, perhaps employing the force of a cinderblock, sledgehammer or other helpful tool. When the spider dries, you'll have a catalog of victims you can page through, serial-killer style, as you look back fondly on all times you played a spider in the game of "Who gets to sleep on my pillow tonight?" and won.

5. Web of lies

This one is so cute in the summertime. Spiders, being the presumptuous scourges they are, think they're the only ones who know how to make webs. Boy, oh boy, are they wrong. People can make webs too … out of colorful yarn! And pain! For this one, you'll need some pretty yarn, some knitting sticks, and the strongest insecticide you can find on a Mexican black market website. Consult the Google about knitting a large-scale spider web; the Google has always been better at knitting than us. Once you've DIY-crafted yourself a yarn spider web roughly the size of your body, douse it in the insecticide. We mean like, really go for it. Now, hang the web over the spider's web. Ha ha, two can play at this game! Looks great! Guests will think you've just made a super-crafty knit project and congratulate you for how creative you are, but silently, you'll smile because you know the death-web has beat the spider at it's game. You're the boss. You're the boss.