Years later, I finally get it.

When I still had my baby teeth, my dad sung me to sleep with a lullaby.

That lullaby was called "Dickheads and Fuckfaces."

It was the true story of a weed dealer who was late to meet with him. Also, the weed was bad. Real bad.

Parts of the lullaby spoke to the long-haired hippie's battle with The Man, but that was an irrelevant, yet requisite part of most songs derived in the '70s. Mostly, it was about skunk-ass weed.

Here's how it went:

you called me to taste it
I got what I came for
and I'll be on my way
you said that it could
but I'm far from wasted
I've seen lotsa bait
that's been taken this way

dickheads and fuckfaces
dickheads and fuckfaces

now time is a-wastin'
while I'm wastin' myself
talk about love
it's like a book on a shelf
you look for a job
you look lotsa places
but they only hire
dickheads and fuckfaces

dickheads and fuckfaces
dickheads and fuckfaces

I may be the dealer
but I'm still bein' dealt
if I mess with you
I only mess with myself
I never got praise
or warm embraces
when I was raised by
dickheads and fuckfaces

dickheads and fuckfaces
dickheads and fuckfaces
dickheads and fuckfaces
dickheads and fuckfaces

Years later, when I asked him what he was doing saying these words to a kid whose bones had barely fused, he simply said: "Take the advice. Also, ship me a vape pen to New Jersey." 

In hindsight, the fatherly wisdom contained in the song has stayed with me, and the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. Going over the lyrics, I now feel his serenade has left me a better-functioning adult.

1. Always be on time to a drug deal

… Or to whatever.

… Or to a drug deal.

Making someone wait makes them feel unimportant. It also gives off the impression you lack control. In the time between when you were supposed to meet and when you showed up, you lose a customer. Or worse, a peripheral friend. What was that friend's name again? You'll never know now because you were too late to find out.

2. Try before you buy

Basically, do your research. Impulsivity is a dumb man's game. You can apply this to anything.

I'll apply it to weed.

When you have the opportunity to spend your hard-earned cash, make sure you're getting your money's worth, not some bullshit oregano in a Ziploc bag that you can't even use for a zesty pasta sauce because it's such shit. Be a man!

3. Life is too precious to waste time not getting high

Life is too short to sit on your ass and accomplish nothing. The average lifespan in this country is 73 years, and a third of that is spent sleeping, so … let me see … math … you're really only awake for like, 50 years.


Think of what you could do in 50 years. You could be out there, working hard, and then taking multiple breaks, and then getting high, and then working but kind of less hard than before because now you're baked.

Strive to fill your everyday with worthwhile activities and don't wait around for some dickface to do it with. Be independent. If something's taking too long, go and get it yourself.

4. Your LinkedIn profile should say "Dickhead and Fuckface" on it

Name: (Your name here)

Occupation: Fucking dickhead.

They only hire those.

5. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

No means no. It feels good to say "yes" to things. "No" means setting boundaries. "No" means strong-armed decisiveness and good enough judgment to know when enough is enough. "No" means you have tastes, opinions, style. "Nooooooo!" means that, only slightly harder.

When you can learn to say "No," you learn to create the life you want to live.

My dad is older now, but he still sings this song. In fact, he's even in the process of organizing a children's choir to scream the last part for emotional appeal on a CD he's working on. Meanwhile, I've come across plenty of dickheads and fuckfaces since he told me about them as a kid, but the basic message of the lullaby has helped me navigate through them like a fucking majestic dolphin through whitewater.