We’ve had our fair share of run-ins with the law, and after a few good ass-whoopin’s and lonely nights spent in the clink, we learned how to cope with police contact to minimize the suck.

We’ve had our fair share of run-ins with the law, and after a few good ass-whoopin’s and lonely nights spent in the clink, we learned how to cope with police contact to minimize the suck.

1.
Don’t say:
“I pay your fucking salary.”

Say this instead:
“I’d like a lawyer present” or “Oh, yeah, there are definitely drugs in the car.”

WHY?
Everyone lies to cops and, surprise, it never works. If you’re riding dirty and get popped, the best thing for you is to have a lawyer present or to just own up to it. Cops tend to respect honesty. You’re not getting out of this.

2.
Don’t say:
“You can’t do anything to me without wearing your cop hat.”

Say this instead:
“I’m sorry officer, things got out of control, but I’m going to fix what I need to immediately.”

WHY?
Because cops don’t need a fucking hat on to do their jobs. Whichever one of your dildo friends fed you that happy horseshit is an idiot. Let them take the ticket.

3.
Don’t say:
“FUCK THE POLICE!”

Say this instead:
Nothing, you say nothing.

WHY?
A wise man once said: “Don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit.”

4.
Don’t say:
“You probably got bullied in high school, huh?”

Say this instead:
“This is embarrassing. I’ve made a grave mistake. Can I sit quietly over there?”

WHY?
You’re in handcuffs, tough guy. Do what you’re told and use nice words — it can go south real quick if you’re not acting right.

5.
Don’t say:
“Give me your badge number; my dad is going to get you fired.”

Say this instead:
Again, shut your damn mouth. Silence is precious.

WHY?
You’re an adult now, act like it. Cops don’t have to give you shit. Respect begets respect — the more you use, the better this short amount of authority contact is going to be. And your dad? He sucks too.