Oh god please make it stop …
He said this! Well she said that!
If you’ve any sense left inside of that aching skull organ of yours, there has probably been a time or two in the past 16 months that you’ve said, “What the fuck is going on” — a general sentiment felt by many about this insane elephant and ass show. We’ve been given the final choice to pick between a narcissistic, reality-show sociopath pseudo-celebrity and the wicked witch of Washington D.C. Thank someone’s god that it’ll be over soon.
Once it is, everyone in America will have to find something to do again. The election has been taking up so much of our lives, many have forgotten what the real world is like without the distraction. As a quick refresher, here’s what you can do once the votes are tallied this November:
1. Read a book.
Let’s give in to a harsh reality. Having only these two candidates is our fault, all of us. And with the ability to look up any known information humans have ever gathered right in our pocket, there’s no excuse for ignorance and submission. We have four years to flop this decision onto a path of sanity; best start now while we still have time.
2. Stalk your ex’s Facebook profile.
Or we can all go back what we were doing before Trump threw in his hat to the election. Facebook is only around for one simple human obsession: voyeurism. It’s not like we as a singular being can alter the course of the Illuminati, why not check in on Tina again to see what she did this weekend?
3. Search for affordable healthcare.
If you’re just looking to kill time, why not look for affordable healthcare? You see, the joke here is that you can’t find it, because it doesn’t exist. You’ll spend hours online clicking different buttons, really identifying who you are as a unique American — then having the weight of a crippling industry mock you with insane deductibles you’ll never be able to pay for. The real world has such a sense of humor!
4. Pretend politicians actually care.
In hindsight, it’s nice to be pandered to. It makes us all (at least for a brief moment) believe Hillary cares about children. And The Don, oh he’ll do so much for the black community! It might not be real, but the candidates made us feel so pretty, didn’t they?
5. Sleep. Go to sleep and never wake up.
You’ve done it, you’ve witnessed the end of America with a front row seat and now you’re exhausted. There’s nothing left but to lay down, close those weary eyes, and never wake up. There isn’t anything good coming out of this election, why not show up to the pearly gates where there’s a bunch of virgins and a Prince/Bowie music festival waiting for you? That’s it, don't fight, sleep now …