Which one are you?
The Super Bowl is almost here, and the atmosphere in Denver is more tense than an 8th grade dance. Every time there's a big Broncos game, you’re bound to encounter the same people hanging around watching the event. Whether you're spending this Sunday at a party, an overflowing sports bar or going to the game itself (you billionaire), here are the 5 types of people that will be at every party in Denver watching the Broncos.
1. The Demaryius Downer
You'll spot this fan by the little rain cloud over their head which helps maintain their negative attitude throughout the entire game. If Peyton throws an interception in the first quarter this guy is bound to yell, “That's it, we’re done for!” Some of this fan’s hobbies include long walks on the beach and constantly bringing up how the Broncos got creamed in the Super Bowl two years ago and how this year we'll all be reliving that nightmare. They’re not a pleasant person to be around so we recommend asking them to go on a beer run and then locking the front door.
2. The Stats Machine
After every play you’ll hear this dude listing off an obscure stat such as, “Did you know Peyton Manning holds the record for touchdown passes to receivers who are Geminis?” No we didn’t, but thanks for that useful information. He’s bound to talk about the ratio of pass to rushing plays and his theory of how to crunch the numbers so that the Broncos can’t lose. After a while you'll start to question whether this fan is a real person or just a super-computer wearing human skin.
3. The Eternal Optimist
When the Broncos were down 500 points at halftime in the Super Bowl two years ago, this was the dude saying, “We can still turn it around!” The guy is more delusional than most people in a retirement home. However, in the event that the Broncos do make an epic comeback, we’ll all be groveling at this guy’s feet saying, “You were right. Blessed be the true Broncos fan who never gives up and never surrenders.” And in the event that the Broncos lose, the first words out of his mouth will be, “Next year is our year!” Shut up dude, we’re all extremely sad right now.
4.The Commercials Enthusiast
This shmuck barely pays attention to the game and shushes everyone when the commercials come on. You’ll also see this putz talking about commercials from past years and comparing them to the ones currently playing like he’s the Roger Ebert of Super Bowl ads. Dude, we’re here to watch the football game. The only reason Budweiser made up a story about a horse and puppy being friends is that so you buy more beer. Hopefully you purchase a six pack, drink it, pass out, and shut the fuck up.
5. The Person Who Doesn’t Follow Football
This anti-jock is watching the game because everyone else is watching the game. He or she is a Rockies fan (don't ask) and has no idea what “rushing” means. Their comments will sound something like, “I know we have Peyton Manning, who else is on our team?” Don’t worry, eventually they’ll get bored and resort to the snack table and playing Temple Run on their iPhones.
Now that you know who to look for, we recommend bringing a custom Broncos fan bingo card to your Super Bowl Party and putting a chip down each time you see one these personalities. If you manage to get five in a row, we’re going to take that as a sign that the Broncos are going to pull out the win. Now let us kneel down and pray to John Elway that we won’t be crying under our covers like we did two years ago. Go Broncos!