Are you at a red right now, looking for ways to pass the time before the light turns green?

Are you at a red right now, looking for ways to pass the time before the light turns green? Chances are it’s turned already, and you should put the fucking phone down and drive. But if you’re not, and are just looking to expand options for when the time falls upon you, here’s a few ways to maximize the time suck.

Put on your seatbelt

Ha! You little asshole, you completely forgot again, didn’t you? This shit saves lives, put it on so maybe you can last long enough to get old and forget everything you’ve ever learned.


Figure something out

Anything. Figure anything out. We all have those mind crawlers inside of us that just won’t let go until a rational conclusion is met. What excuse to pander to the student loan office when they call again looking for money? Don’t know, here’s your time to decide.


Judge everyone and assign mean nicknames

Cutting people down is sometimes the only way some of you will get engaged with the real world. To you, the entire world is inferior, and calling strangers names is a great way to prove to your inner self that you’re worth a flock. Also, you suck.


Try to remember what your license plate number is

You can’t do it, can you? And you sure as hell can’t get out of your car quick enough to check. It’s not something you can Google, either. This is going to drive you up the damn wall.


Think about that one thing you did in the 5th grade you hate and mull over it until it drives you insane

Oh look, a moment of self-reflection for your best buddy anxiety to creep up like a shifty-eyed cat looking for affection. Let’s think about that one thing that can never be changed — the one nobody remembers anyways — to charge up a little extra stress through your already frail bloodlines.



You think that cow-lick having motherfucker next to you is paying attention to anything other than his engorged prostate? Let out the salt. You’re not going to see any of these road warriors again in your lifetime. You need this.