Kim Jong-Un really wants to nuke us, but right now he's too busy bonging beers, reinventing time and teaching babies to walk at the tender age of three weeks old.

Keepin’ up with the Jong-ses is no easy task. Between their regularly scheduled military parades, make-believe missiles and awkward dream sequence music videos of a burning American nuclear wastelands, it can sometimes be hard to know what they're really up to. Come on, guys! We just want to be a part of your life!

Recently, Kim Jong-un has threatened to level specifically, Austin, TX, San Diego, CA, D.C. and the pinnacle of American imperialistic cock-waving, Hawaii. However, Kim Jung-Un is simply too busy for that right now. Between standing up for animal rights by killing people, teaching babies to walk at the tender age of three weeks, and organizing the baddest concubine crew of all time, he seems far too occupied to follow through with his nuclear wet dream.

Here's what he's been up to lately.

1. Assembling a female prisoner fuck-squad

A man of broad tastes, Kim Jong-Un recently reinstated the long-held royal “pleasure troupe”, or what is essentially a female prisoner fuck-squad. According to The Independent, the harem was broken up after the death of the King Jong-il in 2011; however, with the formal three-year mourning period now over, he is free to reassemble his crew.

The unofficial bang bus was introduced by Kim’s grandfather, Kim Il-Sung, who had officials conduct mass searches of the rural countryside looking for the most attractive young women for the honorable duty of dictator-fucker. Typically, they'd take 30-40 women from the land every year who would “become maids, singers, or dancers following an interview with the leader. The prettiest would be expected to become the leader’s concubines, eventually passed on to high ranking military or government officials after they reached their mid-20s.”

Not exactly the stuff of romance novels, but it's keeping him busy.

2. Dabbling in the hipster art of craft brewing

A lover of libations to boot, Kim Jong-Un is also looking to raise $39 million from global investors to finance a new brewery near his palace, according to Reuters.

Clearly, he's never heard of Tecate.

Although beer may be the young ruler’s drink of choice, his pops notoriously put away over a million dollars of Hennessey every year. That’s Kim Jong-Il: 1 Ja Rule: 0.

3. Instilling inherent genius by teaching newborns to walk and win yacht races

It’s not all party party party party in the DPRK. In fact, right now, it's back to school time in Pyongyang. And what valuable lessons are North Korea's baby geniuses learning? Teachers at middle and high schools across North Korea have been issued manuals requiring them to instruct students that Kim Jong-Un was a wunderkind who could drive at the age of three and was winning yachting races by nine. Important life knowledge, will definitely help on those SATs.

The brave young leader still has much to do to surpass his father, Kim Jung-Il though, who reportedly learned to walk at just three weeks and was talking at eight weeks. Not to mention, Kim Jong-Il’s other claims to fame: writing six full-length operas and 1,500 books, as well as his documented ability to alter the weather simply through the power of thought.

Oh, those Jong-ses, always one-upping each another.

4. Being celebrated for being the motherfucking Gandhi

The Sukarno Education Foundation announced plans last week to award their annual Statesmanship Award to … you guessed it,  Kim Jong-Un. Previous winners of the prestigious award which celebrates peace, justice and humanity include: Mahatma Gandhi and Nobel Peace prize laureate Aung San Suu Kyi.

But, you know those Jong-ses: Kim Jong-un wasn’t the first in the fam’ to receive the honor. Apparently, a big heart runs in the bloodline. Kim Il-Sung, was posthumously given the same award in 1994.

This accolade of peace and statesmanship coming just days after Kim Jong-Un’s Korean War anniversary speech, where he promised a Nuclear Apocalypse where not a single American life would be spared, going so far as to boast “there would be no one left to sign a surrender document." Shootin’ it straight like always.

5. Standing up for dead sea turtles by executing people who had nothing to do with it

Kim Jong-Un’s peace, justice and humanity isn’t wasted on only non-American humans. After learning that several dozen baby turtles starved to death at a local aquarium, the gentle, animal-loving ruler, reportedly began an all-out finger-pointing, guilt-fest before executing the acting supervisor on-site. Staff members complained that deaths were the result of North Korea's frequent power outages, shortage of supplies, specifically reptile food.

This silly logic further enraged the Hermit Kingdom’s grand ruler. In a hellish isolated land of destitution and brutality one must improvise. If life gives you oppression and UN foodstuffs you give the foodstuffs to captive sea turtles.

6. Traveling time

The young ruler has also jump-started efforts on his time-travel ambitions. Starting August 15th, Jung-un establishing his own new time zone for North Korea, traveling back 30 minutes from internationally recognized standards to spite the rest of the world.

… Alright then.

Until next time.