Happy College Holidays! Where not knowing why you’re celebrating is all part of the celebration
Happy College Holidays! Where not knowing why you’re celebrating is all part of the celebration
Halloween
Originally a single-day celebration, Halloween has since expanded into a week-long event celebrating the slow regression down the rabbit hole, incorporating kegs, legs and multiple mistakes. And so to go the days of sporting only one costume; more days require more costumes. No matter which day Halloween lands on, expect a mandatory three-day pre-party prior the pre-party prior to the actual party. And while college kids love Halloween, no one loves it more than the thrift stores. At what other point during the year will they hawk an abundance of second-hand junk containing more bacteria than a California porn set? Now, what are we going to wear this year?
St. Patrick’s Day
The drinker’s holiday: the only thing not in abundance on St. Patrick’s day is logic. Patrons flock to the bars with little understanding as to why, but a full understanding as to what… they need: Guinness, whiskey and Bailey’s in their bellies. Ironically, bars understand the same conundrum and offer specials that are far and few in between. But who cares about negative net worth once that delicious car bomb touches your lips? Leave the money problems for when you come out of your holiday celebration, lying under the bus station bench that was recently used as a bum’s personal latrine.
Cinco De Mayo
Another one of the “Why am I drinking again holidays?” Cinco De Mayo’s origins leave less to the imagination as most people will tell you it’s when Mexico gained its independence. Wrong. But this holiday might as well be called the tour de tequila: tequila shots, tequila margaritas, tequila aioli, tequila balsamic vinaigrette and any other objects that seemingly pair well with your handle of tequila. Dawn the mustache, sombrero, Mexican flag and fake rifle because if you’re going to celebrate a country’s heritage, you might as well do it in the most stereotypically offensive manner possible. Viva Mexico!
Tuesdays and Thursdays
Practiced only by college students, Tuesdays and Thursdays are the official college holidays for two reasons: no one else can celebrate drinking during the week without being called an alcoholic, and they occur every week meaning it’s always Christmas morning. Drink on Mondays? No. That’s too early and implies a problem. Tuesdays? Of course. You did just take one day off. Wednesdays? No, you drank last night and you should wait until the weekend otherwise it implies a problem. Thursdays? Of course. It’s almost the weekend and you didn’t drink last night. This holiday is responsible for the taboo of early morning recitations. And since that isn’t going to change anytime soon, you might as well hop on the bandwagon… or off, if you know what we mean.
First week of each semester
As if summer and winter break didn’t provide the perfect outlet for booze relief, the first week of college is a week-long celebration of… something. We’re not really sure what’s being celebrated but the parties are large, the syllabuses are non-existent and school hasn’t officially started. These reasons, along with a plethora of horny college coeds, combine for the perfect party storm.
4/20
The holiday where size matters. How big is your pipe, blunt, spliff, joint, bong or dreadlock? Beside the occasional idiot who thinks rolling two ounces of weed into a joint seems practical and totally super cool bro, 4/20 is the holiday when even the non-smokers feel an inclination to puff the magic dragon. With recreational marijuana around the corner, your 4/20 holiday stocking should seem like you’re always nice and never naughty. Boulder used to be the North Pole of the holiday with tiny college elves passing joints for hours but that’s since changed to Denver. And of course, it was shot up last year. So we’re having everyone to the Rooster office for blunts, crumpets and tea.
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