The kids aren't alright …

There have been some wild methods of getting high, but no one is more creative in this pursuit than dipshit teenagers. Here are some of the craziest ways kids are getting their swerve on.

1. The Butt-chug

Putting things in one’s ass is very “in” at the moment, and young go-hards are all about that funky butt-lovin’. The rectum is a straight shot to the bloodstream, and with this knowledge, kids are sending pills, acid, cough syrup and booze up the Hershey Highway to maximize efficiency.

2. Fermented Poo

Step one: Poop in a container. Step two: Allow poop to ferment and collect methane gas in a balloon. Step three: Huff the collected methane. Step four: Question all of your life choices. Of the many ways to get high, this method from Africa is definitely the shittiest.

3. Chokeholding

Some enjoy the rush of oxygen to the brain after cutting it off for a while. Known as “the choking game,” this method is as dangerous as it is dumb. No buzz is worth dying for and going into a coma is a terrible way to end a party.

4. Huff Everything

Huffing stuff never goes out of fashion. Desk cleaners, harsh chemicals, permanent markers — you name it, people huff it. But the new craze is huffing the noxious gas that comes from mothballs — so that’s why kids are so down to visit grandma’s house these days …

5. Eyeball Martini

These kids should learn that if you have access to alcohol, just drink it. Along with pouring it down their poop chutes, kids have taken to dropping perfectly good alcohol in their fucking EYEBALLS. Why? You’re wasting vodka and frying your retinas.

6. Smoke Errythang

History has revealed that people will try smoking pretty much anything. Go ahead and add catnip to that embarrassingly long list. It supposedly mimics the sedative effects of weed — but it also causes the user to shed uncontrollably, chase mice and become an aloof asshole.

7. Alcohol Subs

Kids have been finding booze substitutes for years. Recently, there have been deaths from consuming Mountain Dew and gasoline cocktails. Kids have had their stomachs pumped from drinking too much ethanol-based hand sanitizer and some kids drink a shit-ton of mouthwash. Any way you slice it, alcohol subs just don’t cut it.

Back in my day …

The absurd amount of drugs in “One Night Cough Syrup” from 1888 basically proves why people got more shit done back in the day.