Sure, you could go to Cabo or Miami on your next vacation, but then you'd have to live the rest of your life knowing you're the basic bitch of leisure. If you really want to grab life by the balls, try one of these bizarre getaways and say hello to (potentially life-threatening) real adventure.
Sure, you could go to Cabo or Miami on your next vacation, but then you'd have to live the rest of your life knowing you're the basic bitch of leisure. If you really want to grab life by the balls, try one of these bizarre getaways and say hello to (potentially life-threatening) real adventure.
1. Temptation Resort Spa
To splurge on vacation sex is a given, but sometimes you need a little more voltage on those clamps to amp up the occasion. If you can stomach nude beaches, amatuer porn and endless appendectemi scars, you can have it all poolside at the Temptation Resort Spa in Cancun, Mexico. The all-inclusive vacation features the usual commodities: “infallible” customer service, weak cocktails and great food garnished with all of the couples sex, swinger, BDSM and Bronie-lovin’ madness sustainable on a Cialis and cocaine diet. Guests are encouraged to bring their own sex towels, Lysol and waterproofed CSI-rated blacklight for semen detection … in the pool … or hot tub … or coffee.
2. Active Volcano Vacation
Magma that reaches the surface of the earth can range in temperature from 700 to 1,200 °C (1,292 to 2,192 °F) depending on its composition, which is just hot enough to get a great tan from a safe distance or burn your face off from a not-so-safe distance. And because every person who has ever been a human child has played “Hot Lava” jumping from pillow to pillow to loveseat, taking a hot lava vacation is completely sensible. The Guatemalan Adventure company promises tours at the Pacaya volcano, just a stone’s throw outside of Antigua, where you can hike along some live volcano flows so closely that some tourists are said to have roasted marshmallows over recent lava flows. Incidentally, most tours require hard-soled shoes just in case you step in some molten earth doo doo.
3. Appalachian Trail Civil-War Style
Stretching 2,184 miles from Georgia to Maine, the Appalachian Trail hosts some of America’s most amazing landscapes, wildlife and stinky-ass, backpack toting, human marmots. Hiking it is hard enough, but former U.S. Special Forces LTC Jonathan White found a way to make it extra difficult. In 2007, on the 145th anniversary of Stonewall Jackson and the Stonewall Brigade’s historic 385-mile trek through the Appalachian wilderness, White took the same journey. Replete with the same battle uniform, boots and even a musket, White walked 385 miles in a circuit over seven mountains in 36 days in the early summer in full Civil War regalia, effectively garnering the attention of law-enforcement officials and every crunchy hiker who immediately thought he was having a flashback.
4. Squirrel-Suit Sky Diving
If you skydive so much your face has a perma grin and you can’t shake the temptation to shit yourself in the sky while falling at even more fatal speeds, then check out the Texas Wing Suit Academy. After a mere 200 jumps in 18 months (or nearly three jumps a week) the average badass is eligible to orgasm in freefall while soaring horizontally for miles in a wingsuit designed to create enough lift that a human can pretend to fly. The top speed ever achieved in a wingsuit is 225.6 mph, but if speed doesn't float your boat, you can try your hand at proximity flying. Proximity flight requires flying as close as possible to geological formations and skimming landscape, ensuring that if you don’t scoop up a face full of hillside one day, the near-death, superhero adrenaline rush will likely leave you without the ability to ever fully enjoy coitus again.
5. Skiing the Kempinski Hotel, Dubai, United Arab Emirates
If you have a penchant for paradox, skiing in summer or have ever wanted to spend your Judeo-Christian holidays in an Islamic desert paradise just to be an ironic dick, then the Kempinski Hotel in Dubai is the ultimate place to spend your hard-earned dollars or trust fund. Situated on the southeast coast of the Persian Gulf, Dubai is the most expensive city in the Middle East and a global hub for cultures and people with shit tons of money. This explains why the emerit of the UAE is home to an uber-lavish hotel featuring a 25-story dome housing ski slopes with 200-foot drops, the only indoor black-diamond slope in the world, and more than 50,000 pounds of freshly manufactured precipitate daily. Once in the frozen lobby, the desert outside evaporates away as the Kempinski slopes provide even the biggest douchebag gaper with enough pow to carve freshies all year long.
6. The Great Northern Pacific Garbage Patch
If you’re reading the Rooster in an act of protest and are the type of person who enjoys bringing everyone down at parties by talking about Darfur and Amnesty International, you will soooo love this vacation destination. Out there in the vast 332,519,000 cubic miles of sea water on earth lies one of five oceanic gyres that circulate water in an endless Monday-like madness. In it is a heavy portion of the discarded and photodegraded particulates of man-made polymers introduced into the environment and washed out into the ocean. Broken down by the sun’s radiation to a molecular level, the plastic particles enter the food chain via living organisms. While the trip may be expensive and lonely, at least you can bring home a bottle of seawater with some very scary evidence of why people should not litter or eat Vaseline.
7. Tropical Treehouse Vacay
Maintaining a treehouse requires a permit, sufficient knowledge to construct a shelter that won’t result in structural impalement and a lack of juggalo squatters. But if you really want to get away for a week or two and live like a kid in a treehouse with a crapper that’s a fancy five-gallon bucket on a rope, Costa Rica may be your destination. The Finca Bellavista Sustainable Treehouse Community features luxury accommodations in the form of baddass treehouses, some of which are equipped with showers, bathrooms and a total of 23 zip lines connecting them to the community, which one day hopes to become self-sustainable. At the equivalent of nine stories high, some of these lodgings are anchored to mastate trees that can grow to be as old as 200 years, ensuring whatever salaciousness or scorpions you are tickled by in the tropical night, the treehouse will hold up to your shenanigans.
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