Why dating a stoner is better for you than weed is for … everything.

Why dating a stoner is better for you than weed is for … everything.

1. You’re always hilarious … to them
Being with someone who smokes means that you are hilarious. Everything you say, every quirky movement, every thought you have is pure comedy gold. Of course you’d like to blame it on your impeccable sense of humor and witty take on the human condition — but it’s really just because they think your hair looks like spiky poop.

2. The very meager dining expectations
Because stoners are starving 420% of the time, you never really have to worry about wining-and-dining them. They’re usually happy with getting beer-and-McNugget-ed. Not only does that save you a bongload of cash, but it speaks to the sublime un-snootiness of the American stoner. Plus, you never have to argue about where to eat … just when (now).

3. They’re hornier
Numerous studies have shown that THC can both dilate blood vessels down south and reduce inhibition, two things that melt the icy graspy of sexual frigidity faster than an A-bomb. Plus, they’re so high that they fall asleep immediately after sex. No pillow talk, no “Do you love me?” Just pure, sociopathic silence. Or, if they’re energetic, you can smoke a joint together after sex and feel all dramatic like in the movies.

4. The short-term memory loss
Not everyone who smokes weed experiences hilarious gaps in their short-term memory — but a lot of them do, which can be really beneficial in relationships when you have conflict. Did you get in fight a few days back? Forgotten. Did they see your ex’s texts on your phone? Goodbye, memory of that. Did they forget to call you? Your disappointment is just proof that you have a heart, despite what some doctors may say.

5. The chill waves of chillness
Although weed is known to strike up paranoia and anxiety in roughly 12 percent of smokers, it’s immensely relaxing and focusing to the rest of them. That adds up to your stoner lover taking more time to think things over, dealing with things in a calm manner, and staying relaxed regardless of the situation. That’s good for any potential fights, but also if you want to do something fun with them like smoke a joint and illegally swim with SeaWorld’s orcas.

6, One of you will always have weed
Twice the undying love of marijuana, twice the available amount of marijuana for you two to smoke. Point explained.

7. They’ll take care of you when you get too high
The only thing that reigns in your crippling paranoia when you smoke too much weed is a calm, more experienced weed-smoker who can lead you out of the darkness by feeding you crunchy cereals and giving you a textured piece of plastic to fondle. Stoners really know how to un-high themselves, and it’s comforting knowing that you’ll have someone to mother you when you think your legs are falling off.