There are always a few timeless charcters that show up in every single class, ever.
In every class, there are a few timeless charaters that arrive in full force with the beginning of each new semester, and it's safe to say they’re classroom fixtures as important to our education as actual school itself for no other reason than because they're always there. Here the seven types of them you're most likely to run into this fall.
The New Found Party Animal
This typically female classroom mainstay didn’t drink much in high school, but oh boy, is that about to change. Her classroom getup typically includes smudged mascara, high-waisted shorts, and club wristbands that she pretends she 'forgot' to take off before coming to class because she wants you to know she dosed and went to ______ (insert topical EDM band here). She’ll spend the class rehydrating with organic coconut water and group texting with her sorority about happy hour plans, and she only becomes animated if someone mentions babysitting (her life calling). She sometimes smells like sweat and stale beer, but that’s part of her charm right?
The Serial One-Night-Stander
She arrives to class in an oversized flannel, basketball shorts, and spare sandals she keeps in her over sized Tory Burch purse for situations like these. She likes to sit front and center, sauntering past as she locates the perfect spot. Her hair is in a messy bun and she relishes each and every knowing side eye. Hell yeah, she shacked last night and she could have gone home to change, but this is her stride of pride. Secretly we’d like to get half the action she does … and so does the professor, who calls on her to answer nearly every question, questions which she mysteriously had time to find the answers to in between gurgling dicks and anal bleachings. Total spirit animal.
The Twenty-Questioner
You're about to get out of class miraculously early when the ever-thoughtful professor asks for last minute questions. The Twenty-Questioner has an arsenal full and bam — just like that your dreams are crushed. From questions meant just to double-check the due date to personal thoughts on last night’s reading material, this person wants to make sure that she gets the absolute most out of this Intro to Medieval Sociology class. You can barely make out her identity behind the stack of textbooks, optional reading material, three ring binder with printed syllabus, and five-subject notebook. But rest assured, by the end of term, you'll know her voice and it'll make you thoughtfully consider murder for a second.
The Ghost from Finals Past
This guy shows up during the drop/add week to secure his place in the class, during which time he never takes off his backpack, and asks about mandatory attendance. The second the teacher looks away, he not-so-discretely dips out, free to slack-line the day away. Knowing nods from the like-minded folks who aren't quite as daring brethren salute him as he exits. You haven’t seen him since that fateful day and forget about his existence entirely … until midterms. Then, surprise! He’ll shoot out a mass email explaining an on-and-off illness, asking for ANY notes AT ALL that he's WILLING TO PAY FOR. If you’re like us, you’ll take pity on this poor bastard and send him over what little notes you managed to jot down. It’s a dog eat dog world out here, help a brother out.
The Ex Hook-Up
You haven’t spoken to him/her/them since that tequila-soaked night at The Rio and you prefer to keep it that way. One of you ate a pre-sex tuna sandwich with extra onions, and the other left her sticky boobs stuck to his headboard like a conquering flag. It was not a proud moment. But now, the way things are going; you’ll probably end up stuck in a group project together, awkwardly explaining that you two already know each other – mutual friends. But hey, there could be more free shots/tuna subs in your future.
The Heady Hippy
He shows up in your Intro to Philosophy course barefoot, with a threadbare rucksack that’s only big enough for a moleskin notebook, the smell of patchouli and some dirt. He’ll most likely sit dead middle, ensuring his perfume saturates the entire lecture hall. With Vonnegut or Hunter S. Thompson in hand, he pauses only to look up, brush his well kept dreads from his face, and interject his thoughts on the existential experience of man in a secular world. He’ll take a sip of maté and return to the tattered pages with miniature notes scrolled in the margins. Suuuuper heady, bra.
The Athlete
Like vegans and Cross-fitters, student athletes will tell you that they are, in fact, a student-athlete. Oh, no way? W couldn't tell. We actually just thought you spent your entire student loan on CU gear and kneepads. These multi-tasking models of human fitness always shows up a few minutes late and eat a delicious-smelling breakfast sandwich right in front of your face, taunting you, but it’s okay because they had morning practice at some ungodly morning hour while you slept in until 12. Yes, sometimes they truly wish they could just be a normal student, which is fine, but they don’t have to patronize us nonathletic types who can barely figure out how to put on ski boots with their jaw-dropping commitment to sweating professionally. They love the free shit in life – free swag, free tutoring, and free tuition, and we don’t blame them … we just hope they wash that training gear every now and then.
We’ve all seen them.
We love to hate on them.
And in all reality, we’re probably one of them.
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