No one has to know that you use your stomach as a plate …

Let's face it; you don't really have your shit together.

Last night, you balanced a plate of way-too-hot pizza rolls on your unclad, convex stomach before ripping your broken toenail off with your teeth. You did this to reward yourself for Googling "annual percentage rate meaning," but that knowledge doesn't make up for the fact that your step-dad still does your taxes, or that you consider "exercise" to be gyrating your hips in front of the mirror while you brush your teeth.

But! No one needs to know these things, right? With just a few easy tricks, you can fool your friends, family and lovers into thinking you've ascended the staircase to adulthood. Of course in reality, you've barely made it past the first step, but that's nothing a few well-placed lemons can't fix …

1. Put some lemons in a bowl

Yep. There they are. Seven lemons in a bowl. Seven lemons that say, "I am so well-adjusted that I'm able to display excessive fruit." As far as your friends and family know, you're this close to using those lemons for a craft project or some sort of meringue thing, a threat of civility that makes your half-paid dental bills seem meaningless.

Ahh, now doesn't that feel better?

2. Have a living plant in your home

It doesn't have to be the same plant every time your friends come over, just a plant, or a series of plants that look similar enough and give the impression that you're capable of sustaining a minor life force.

3. Put a lot of things in jars

Nothing exemplifies the type of adult neuroticism that comes with having your shit together like mason jars full of things like dried lentils, beets you're pickling, and whatever the fuck buckwheat is. Just seeing cashews and dried cranberries inside small glass jars should be enough to convince your familiars that you understand how to snack as to maintain the delicate protein-carbohydrate balance needed to sustain "brain energy." Bonus points if you can label and alphabetize them, you sick fuck.

4. Hang things in your trees

These tree dingleberries are so dangly and, just … there, that your friends will forget all about your DUI ankle monitor. It's like at any moment, you could spontaneously have a Pinterest wedding in your side yard, and that's mega important because you're going to need the booking revenue from that to fund your Hulu Plus and Netflix accounts. Baby's gotta watch "Two and a Half Men."

5. Overwhelm them with wine choices

"Do you want to 2008 cab franc or the 2009? I'm kinda in a 2009 mood tonight!"

But HA, joke's on them, because it's all from the same MD 20/20 bottle, suckers.

6. Ye olde bundle of decorative sticks

It's a little True Detective Season 1, but the reference just proves that you have HBO.

7. Loose-leaf tea

Loose-leaf tea is the ultimate method to demonstrate your maturity and self-reliance, because it's the hardest, least-efficient path to drinking anything you can possibly take. Once your loved ones see that when it comes to cozy relaxation drinks, you won't settle for the easy way out, all the memories of you stealing their ramen flavor packets will fade into obscurity, and they'll forget that you ever needed to borrow their car 47 times last week. Picture yourself offering them the Sophie's choice between chamomile-ginger, lady grey, Egyptian sage, blood-orange rooibos and authentic Japanese sencha as you sweep that condom wrapper under the rug with your foot before they see it.

Aaah, you've done it now. Go forth and conquer … and when your friends and family leave your pretty clean apartment, go get that condom wrapper and pick your nails with it.