The universe and and the internet universe likes shit on millennials. So now, maybe it’s time to even the score.

You guys … There are just so many people out there whose ass we want to kick — albeit, we want to kick them from the comfort and safety of our internships, parent’s basements, and fair trade coffeehouses, without the intent of ever having to enter into any kind of physical confrontation. Because let’s have a real talk now: that sounds terrifying to us.

But, here are some people who need a smackdown from our fearless older brother at least:

1. Cargo shorts

What’s that, cargo shorts? You’re just an inanimate object and shouldn’t be included in this list? Well, you can go fuck yourselves, cargo shorts. You and your obnoxiously large, but undeniably useful, oversized pockets. You and your ability to lessen the attractiveness of any given person by at least 10 points on a hotness scale out of 10. This is a scale which we take very seriously when courting the next person we hook up with a few times, before moving onto the next (kind of like what we did to you?).

What are we supposed to do with all the cargo shorts we stocked up on at Target when they were on sale 10 years ago, huh? We’ll hold onto you for now, just in case you become socially acceptable again one day. But in the meantime, you can shamefully sit at the bottom of our collective dressers, thinking over what you’ve done to fashion, which was make useful pockets a mortal sin. Screw you!

2. Baby boomers who just won’t fucking retire

Like the rivalry between Professor Xavier and Magneto, you boomers are probably our greatest arch-nemesis. We respect and love you, and feel a lot of what you did is great (we mean, you made us), but boy would we get joy out of throwing some fisticuffs around in your general direction. Especially since you won't let us sleep over at Trevor's house!

C’mon guys, GTFO. We need work. We're starving, and by starving, I mean we can only eat 2-3 meals at Whole Foods per day. The next iPhone is coming out soon, and we're pretty sure hoverboards are up for purchase, so … get on with your bad selves. Plus, we can’t remember the last time we made a contribution to our rapidly expanding student debt.

3. Emma Watson

In a playful kind of way. More of a kiss with our lips than a punch with our fists. Yeah we … we just want to make out with her. Because millennials … we're really more lovers than fighters. Oh god, we love so hard. We’re in love with people we don't even know like Emma Watson because we're over here just oozing adolescent innocent and compassion. We totally want to have pillow fights with her.

EMMMAAAAA. Your stance on gender equality is sexy, along with your wizardry ways that have cast all these weird magical spells in our pants.

Find us on Twitter, Emma xox.

4. Ourselves

Just like the lead character in the movie Fight Club, we would also sometimes like to fight ourselves. Especially our 90s selves. We’d love to go back in time and smack that godawful rattail right off our heads.

There’s a lot of truth in the generalization that behind every selfie, is the face of a self important punk who uses online dating to be a fuckboy (in men), or to be a basic bitch building her Instagram account (in women). Many of us think we’re untouchable, and maybe a good ol’ ass beating would shake some sense into us.

5. Donald Trump

No, “you’re fired” Donald. And since millennials don’t possess very many positions of high authority, we sack people by literally sacking them in the orange, spray-tanned nuts.

If there is one thing millennials can agree on, it is the opinion that Donald Trump is the very anthropomorphic representation of everything wrong with American business and politics, and is why so many of us have become apathetic to it all. He is the human embodiment of everything that is stinky.

Although, if we could punch him, it's dubious whether our fists of fury would even tarnished his patina-ed leather-face. That thing's got more lines than a Columbian cocaine operation. Might have to go for his knees, Tanya Harding style this time …

6. Whoever makes emojis

There is just not an adequate enough emoji lexicon to express ourselves, and that makes us mad. Rooster mad!

How the shiiit are we supposed to communicate "kale bowl with artisanal poached eggs and a side of ambient EDM please" to our servers in our native emoticon language? Stop scrolling through your phone for answers, it's impossible. We're stuck using "words" and ain't nobody got time for that, especially when we're on our way to our Kegel class in our Ford Fusions drinking fair trade matcha lattes and blogging about macrobiotic pickling. 

Even worse, the emojis that do exist are useless. When are we gonna need 14 colors of office binders? Who has ever used the small building with a heart on it? What are we gonna do with a black squiggly line that has absolutely zero symbolic meaning other than "weeeooowww?"

As our culture hurtles towards the eventual eclipse of written language by new age of emoji-speak, we feel deprived of the ability to communicate in the rapid, simplistic way emojis allow us to. And for that, we've got a knuckle sandwich waiting, perfectly preserved, for whatever animal it is that designs our emoji selections.

7. Kim Kardashian

The dude that wrote this is a hot blooded male with a crippling fondness for women with luscious curves and pretty faces, but still has the wherewithal to say that if fighting a woman wasn’t wrong, then he, and a great majority of millennials would want to do so.

It’s really not her fault, because she’s just taking advantage of a twisted society which has an inclination to reward wealth and attractiveness, over intellect and creativity, but that doesn’t diminish our animosity towards her.

Except basic bitches: basic bitches fucking love Kim K.

8. Scientists who badmouth our beautiful beards

Publishing scientific papers that women have become bored of the beard, because it has lost its uniqueness, or claiming that beards contain feces are just desperate and pathetic. Similarly, all you scientists who're currently studying the association between having a beard and being a terrible person can suck it.

The beard has become so much more than a millennial fad, and has guaranteed itself a seat in the house of immortal male style, alongside a head of hair and neatly trimmed fingernails.

Hey science, why don’t you do more important things like infusing pumpkin spiced lattes into ice cream, or desperately finding a way to defend yourselves from the ass kicking we’re about to give you? K thanks.