You know when you’ve watched every video on YouPorn and you’re rapidly running out of masturbatory options? Well maybe it’s time to put down the embarrassingly sticky mouse and pick up one of these incredibly sexual novels instead. Because despite what Mrs. Brown told you, you can read.
And no, Fifty Shades of Boring isn’t on here.
1. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
A 37-year-old falls in love with a 12-year-old, and they embark on a road trip across the country, trying to act like they’re not a 37-year-old in love with a 12-year-old. Come for the consensual pedophilia, stay for the desperately gorgeous account of forbidden love and heartbreak.
Boner bonus: You don't even have to feel creepy reading it; it's one of the most famous books ever written and was probably on your high school reading list.
Kink factor: N/A, that shit is illegal.
Boner status: Mopey, because they love each other but, ew.
2. Story of the Eye by Georges Bataille
A highly controversial surrealist account of the bizarre sexual perversions of a pair of teenage lovers, who have sex in the following situations because #YOLO: With eggs and human eyes, on top of broken glass, with a mentally handicapped girl, with a priest who they strangle, and in more threesomes than you can count on all your phalanges. It was banned in nearly every country in the years following its publication (see: sex with eyes), but once people started to warm to it, it became the favorite read of every closet pervert and surrealism enthusiast from here to infinity.
Kink factor: 1509483082/10
Boner status: Looking at your eyes all funny.
3. Necrophilia Variations by Supervert
A literal interpretation of this book would be a “collection of short stories dealing with the confluence between sex and death,” but on a deeper level, it’s about how the horrible can be transformed into beauty through art. That is, if you can get past the necrophilia thing. And listen, we wouldn't tell you to read this if it wasn't a great book about perversion, but if you do take the plunge with this thing, just make sure you're wearing your best Hot Topic bondage kilt.
Kink factor: Immeasurable.
Boner status: Painted like an ICP goth.
4. No One Belongs Here More Than You by Miranda July
It’s a story as old as time: girl loses virginity to disembodied glowing orb, ditches said orb to “explore cock,” then tries to win it back when it takes the human form of a 15-year old boy who she meets after being rejected by Madeleine L’Engle’s husband.
…Yeah. And that's just one story in this collection of hilarious, brutally honest short stories about sex, inexplicable attraction and longing for the weirdest shit.
Kink factor: 6/10. Would be higher, but the sex is often sweet and earnest despite occasionally being with an apathetic Asian neighbor with seizures.
Boner status: Whimsically boner-ific.
5. Vox by Nicholson Baker
Written in the form of a phone conversation between two strangers over an adult party line, Vox is about a seduction-through-conversation that becomes increasingly erotic. Legend has it that Monica Lewinsky gave Bill Clinton a copy of this book, which is great, but now we can’t stop saying “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
Kink factor: 7/10
Boner status: Bigger than Monica Lewinski’s collection of semen dresses.
6. Bad Behavior by Mary Gaitskill
Another collection of sultry short stories of dislocation, longing and desire which depict a disenchanted and rebellious urban fringe generation that is groping for human connection, and by groping, we mean each other’s genitals. One of the stories in Bad Behavior was the inspiration for the movie Secretary, a little film that makes Fifty Shades of Gray look like a Clifford coloring book, if that gives you any idea what this book is about.
Kink factor: All the kinks at once.
Boner status: Waiting for you to spank it.
7. Choke by Chuck Palahnuik
As a coping mechanism to deal with his withering relationship with his dying mother, a sex addict develops a fun habit of purposely choking on food at restaurants to get attention. When he's not being Heimlich-maneuvered, he's trolling Sex Addicts Anonymous for people to bang. When he's not doing that, he's masturbating, then starting the whole cycle over again.
Kink factor: Exorbitant.
Boner status: Requesting the Heimlich maneuver.
8. Beautiful Losers by Leonard Cohen
The novel centers upon the a love triangle united by their sexual obsessions and fascination with Catherine Tekakwitha, the 17th-century Mohawk saint. Maybe the prettiest writing we've ever read, but that doesn't mask the fact that everyone has sex with everyone in this book. Get in on that.
Kink factor: Mucho.
Boner status: Googling Catherine Tekakwitha.
9. Switch Bitch by Roald Dahl
Yeah, you read that right. Roald Dahl. The Charlie and the Chocolate Factory guy. Also the Matilda guy. Also the James and the Giant Peach guy. Apparently, this renowned children's author has a penchant for writing about wife swapping, raunchy, weird sex, and a certain perfume that makes you fuck for hours. Beat that, YouPorn.
Kink factor: Higher than the amount of children’s books Roald Dahl wrote, which is all of them.
Boner status: Well-fed.
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