You're not the only one whose toxic stress syndrome is caused by daily exposure to Facebook. Science is every bit as much of a hater of the social network cult — sorry, website — and has given us nine pretty damn good reasons to take your Facebook out back and put it to rest like your childhood mini pony.

You're not the only one whose toxic stress syndrome is caused by daily exposure to Facebook. Science is every bit as much of a hater of the social network cult — sorry, website — and has given us nine pretty damn good reasons to take your Facebook out back and put it to rest like your childhood mini pony.

1. It makes you sadder and less satisfied. Dislike!

A recent study by the University of Michigan found that the more college-aged adults used Facebook, the shittier they felt. Specifically, frequent Facebook freaks had declines in moment-to-moment happiness and overall life satsifaction compared with less-rabid status updaters, who only showed a marginal decline in human functioning.

"When you're on a site like Facebook, you get lots of posts about what people are doing. That sets up social comparison — you maybe feel your life is not as full and rich as those people you see on Facebook," said cognitive scientist John Johnides about the study in an effort to rationalize the findings.

But interestingly, the people whose lives were supposedly "most full," meaning most social and exciting, were the ones who reported the most Facebook-related happiness decline. Take that, Tammy. You may look like Prom Queen 2003 on the outside, but inside, you're just a blackish tar pit of emotion like the rest of us! Maniacal laughter!

… Delete that biddy.

2. It's mostly your mom that uses it now … Everyone who wasn't alive for the Cold War is on Twitter

University of Michigan published another study about the big F, this time linking Facebook to narcissism. Researchers found that middle-aged adults who scored high on a narcissism index used Facebook the most, whereas Twitter was awash with narcissistic young people.

That's right, Facebook has become nothing but a platform for your Aunt Peg to post photos of her office field trip to Office Max for new gel pens. And it would be one thing if Facebook was some hot new thing everyone's trying, but it's old as dust at this point, and it's self-absorbed users are as well; the median age of Facebook user is now 35. Say hello to your mom's seventh album of artfully placed leaves on her deck!

Okay, okay, 35 isn't that told, but it is to teenagers, the unfortunately ubiquitous harbingers of culture in our society. More than three million of them left Facebook since 2011, presumably to escape the lovingly watchful eyes of their stepdads. And if you think that's a lot of peri-pubescent youngers, get this. Roughly 3.4 million Facebook users between ages 18-24 followed suit, leaving the social network to flee from middle aged narcissists. We mean … if they can delete theirs, you can delete yours.

3. It's addictive … like crack or kittens

In a Swedish study, researchers found that a quarter of their 1,000 person cohort felt "ill at ease" if they didn't login to Facebook and regularly update their status, and experienced mild symptoms of withdrawal if they were kept away from it. Of course there are more addicting things in the world, like heroin or Breaking Bad, but Facebook is easier to get and doesn't taste nearly as shitty as chew.  If you have an addictive personality, or are friends with someone who's blessed with one, Facebook might be the drug-of-choice-du-jour.

4. Facebook's privacy settings are … confusing

Remember a few weeks ago when Facebook announced that if you wanted to use Facebook Messenger, you'd have to download a separate app or you wouldn't be able to use it? And then that app turned out to be laced with the sort of spyware that's standard in enterprise surveillance? And it surfaced that Facebook was using Messenger to track everything from how much background vs. foreground time you spend on the site. your icon badge number, your application state, how you're holding your phone, hack into your WiFi to watch you, and generally audit your every move? Yeah. Facebook's privacy tactics are a little non-private.

In an email to VICE's Motherboard, digital forensics specialist Johnathan Zdziarksi told reporter Matthew Braga that Facebook Messenger tracks "practically everything a user might do within the app."

"[Facebook is] using some private APIs I didn't even know were available inside the sandbox to be able to pull out your WiFi SSID (which could be used to snoop on which WiFi networks you're connected to) and are even tapping the process list for various information on the device," he wrote. Cool?

Another example of Facebook's dubious privacy policies includes the tripling of data fields its users could fill out to reveal personal information about themselves.  It introduced Timeline in 2011, encouraging users to construct a practical autobiography, including seemingly inane details like who got pregnant where, and whether they'd acquired a new car. On top of that, its diverse applications began offering users the opportunity to share which news articles and books they read, and let them “tag” each other, which effictively allowed them to post personal info about their friends as well.

Another study concluded that, “over time, the amount and scope of personal information that Facebook users have revealed to friends’ profiles seems to have markedly increased — and thus, so have disclosures to Facebook itself, third-party apps, and (indirectly) advertisers.”

So, not only is Facebook tracking your every muscle twitch for their own analytical purposes … they're also giving that data to advertisers who clog your feed with posts about new cotton scarves at Old Navy. DUH-LETE.

5. It's making you closer to Kevin Bacon

Whereas a few years ago, six degrees of separation the average distance between you and Kevin Bacon, the extraordinarily high number of Facebook users has decreased that number to  4.74. That means your about an airplane aisle away from him, and that's more than a little uncomfortable. We mean, have you seen Hollow Man? Gross!

6. It makes you into a programmable automaton

How do sites like Elite Daily and Upworthy, which you'd probably rarely go to if Facebook didn't tell you to, get you to share their so many of their articles? Because, pretties, Facebook was designed to be a platform for sharing stuff. It comes complete with algorithms that track what you like, what you spend the most time viewing, and what you share so that it can tailor specific advertiser content to you.

For example, if it sees that you spent a fair amount of time watching Upworthy's video "Toddler Burns Down Zoo, But What Happens Next Shocked Me to the Core," it'll make Upworthy's content more prevalent on your feed, as well as show you more content from friends who are similarly enamored by touching toddler arson stories.

So, it's no surprise that Facebook users who see more articles and pages being shared tend to share more content themselves. And that's how Elite Daily's article "10 Unforgettable Ways to Gouge Out Your Eyes Before You Turn 30" got to be viral.

If you're uncomfortable with receiving the reluctant title of "Clickbait Proliferation Queen," you know what to do: take a shovel and bury your Facebook six feet under.

7. It hurts your GPA

An Ohio State University study found that college students who use Facebook spend less time studying and have lower grades.

"But Daddy, I have an A- in Mr. Owens' English class!" you say.

Well, sweetie, funny you should mention that because the same study found that the people whose grades were most affected by Facebook use, were the people mostly likely to deny the extent of their Facebooking.

Interestingly, the study found that future system administrators, CIOs, and science, technology, engineering, math and business majors were more likely to use Facebook than students who are studying social sciences and the humanities. That means the doctors and engineers of your future and ours are spending the most time stalking hot Cindy's profile, and the least amount of time figuing out how to not kill you during your next prostate exam.

8. It makes you bad at math and decreases your motivation to perform well

A study published in Media Psychology found that looking at your own Facebook profile temporarily raised self-esteem (aww!) … but it hampered performance in a subsequent mathematical task and decreased the motivation to perform well (… shit.) 

That result confirms a psychological phenomenon called "self-affirmation theory," which basically says that you view yourself as having value and integrity, but in doing that, you lose sight of other areas in your life … like that 11 isn't called "eleventy one."

9. The only people that comment on your posts are you aunt Hilda, ad bots … and your mom


So, there you have it. Whether you opt for human euthanization, or something a little more aggressive like running over you computer with your car, you know what time it is. Facebook annhiliatin' time. MySpace forever.