Surprisingly, these bizarre happenings didn't take place anywhere near Florida …

Like when all other men set themselves on wife-ing up a fine piece of ass, Michigan resident William Cornelius Jr. thought long and hard about the most romantic way to propose to his girlfriend. His solution: have a Walmart employee announce the proposal over the intercom system while the couple was there shopping for meth supplies.

Following the most romantic proposal to ever take place in Bay City, Cornelius wanted to do something special for his bride to be. But what would make the future Mrs. Cornelius feel extra special? All you can eat meatloaf and assorted steamed vegetables at Golden Corral, maybe a dozen or so Doritos Locos Tacos?

Michael Cornelius Jr. weighed his options, and came to realize a celebratory dinner wouldn’t get across the “I wanna fuck right now” vibe that he was going for. So the couple journeyed to the romance capital of each and every local mall: Spencer’s Gifts. 

Set on gifting his fiancé a series of wicked orgasms, Cornelius pocketed a variety of toys that would make even the most prudent woman gasp in delight — edible underwear, a thong, unnamed sex toys (we're guessing black-light butt plugs and nipple clamps), and a watch to time his performance. Unfortunately for the Cornelius couple, a vigilant Spencer’s employee saw the whole thing and called police.

Police soon found Michael Cornelius Jr. asleep in the mall’s food court. Cornelius had apparently dozed off while attempting to tie his shoes in front of Taco Bell. The couple was arrested on the spot, totally killing the romantic afternoon soiree.

No word yet on whether or not the couple still plans to tie the knot, or if Michael ever managed to get his shoes tied.