Seriously? Nic Cage? Aren't there at least like, 10 other celebrities someone could lift sex pics from? Because we don't know about you, but we're not trying to see any nude Cage anytime soon, especially since we just ate.
Goddamn it. Are you kidding us? Out of all the celebrities that could have had their personal nude photo stash nabbed by their handyman, why does it have to be Nic Cage? There really is no god.
A stockpile of so-called "intimate photos" of Nic Cage and his ex-girlfriend Christina Fulton was reportedly lifted from her home by her handyman, Ricardo Orozco.
Good ol' Ricky also stole four computers (who has four computers?) along with the box of sex pics (who keeps a box of Nic Cage sex pics?). He was arrested, is currently being held on the ludicrous bail amount of one million dollars. But you know what the most haunting part of this story is? The pics are still out there. You might actually see those fuckers one day/ they might burn maggot-filled holes into your eyes. We dare you to try to sleep tonight.
So far, no one has seen them other than the thief himself…but this is what we're imagining is lurking deep inside that Pandora's box of Nic Cage:
But Ricky's not the only one who can steal stuff, mmkay? Cage will see your robbery, and raise you a robbery a thousand times greater:
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