Church holds gun blessing for AR-15s
Following the Parkland, Florida school shooting, a Pennsylvania church held a “gun blessing” service for congregants with AR-15s who believe the Book of Revelations’ prophecy that Christ will return to Earth and rule with “a rod of iron” clearly refers to the assault rifle. When it comes to understanding God’s purpose … wait, actually, no joke needed here. Simply fuck these people. This in no way betters society. 

Three-quarters of young Americans are ineligible for military service
A study found that three-quarters of Americans ages 17 to 24 are ineligible for military service because they’re too fat, have criminal records or didn’t graduate high school. Due to changing standards, the Army has since altered its recruiting slogan to “Be all you can be … or, you know, just don’t forget your inhaler.”  

Kentucky conservatives block bill banning child marriage
Conservative groups have blocked a bill that would have set a minimum age requirement of 17 years old for children to marry in Kentucky. As of now, state law says girls of any age can marry if they are marrying the man who impregnated them. In other news,  MTV’s new reality show 13 and Totes Pregs With My Brother’s Baby is a huge hit.

Man attacks roommate overstale Cap’n Crunch cereal
Alabama man, Duane Smith, faces domestic abuse charges for beating his roommate after discovering that the victim had failed to properly seal a box of Cap’n Crunch cereal, which had gone stale. If there’s one way to make a stoner violent, this would be it.

After 4th DUI, man argues legal limits discriminate against alcoholics 
After his fourth driving while intoxicated conviction, Ralph Friesenhahn argued Texas’ legal driving limit of .08 blood-alcohol concentration ignores the higher tolerances that frequent drinkers have to the effects of liquor. See what happens when you lower the LSAT requirements?

[cover photo Spencer Platt (AP)]