ARIES (MAR 20-APR 18):
Remember that personal life you used to have when you were younger? Well, that’s in the shitter now, thanks to your ruling planet, Mars — in retrograde since July and for the better part of August. While typically you’re known as the pioneer of the Zodiac, this month you’re unable to tell your asshole from your elbow. Yet you’re being called to lead, follow, or get the fuck out of everyone’s way. Don’t write checks your ass can’t cash.
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TAURUS (APR 19-MAY 20):
It’s high time you admit it: you’re a hoarder. Reality shows have nothing on the level of redundant shit you’ve held onto over the years. The only reason you’ve not been on television is because your parents are busy traveling, being kids again and having lots of sex. Those things you keep, they’re inanimate objects, not love. They will not fill the hole in your broken soul. Yes they’re shiny. Get rid of everything immediately.
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GEMINI (MAY 21-JUN 20):
You sure suck at relationships. Over the past month(s), you’ve been turned inside out and upside down. You’re all about surface shit, and rarely (read: never!) want to delve deeper into your love interest’s psyche to find out what makes them tick. Truth is, you don’t give an empty jar for anyone but yourself. And really, you’re all you need. Stop giving away power to idiots you can’t stand. Not everyone wants to date a psycho.
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CANCER (JUN 21-JUL 22):
You’ve searched your entire life for true security and safety. Have you figured out yet that it doesn’t exist? Much like the so-called “pursuit of happiness,” you are doomed to be disappointed on all fronts. Get used to it. As the most emotional sign in the Zodiac, you find reasons to cry in everything, so why not get your sob on and leave it on. You’re not the Tin Man. You won’t rust. However, you will scare away every friend you ever thought you had.
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LEO (JUL 23-AUG 22):
Your keyword for August is, “SHINY!” That’s exactly how everyone will view you: star, producer and director of your own life. A word of caution: former President Obama, a Leo through and through, was hated by a lot of people. Don’t let that happen to you. Also Jerry Garcia, Stanley Kubrick, Julia Child, Patrick Swayze, Alfred Hitchcock, and Amelia Earhart were Sags, and looked what happened to them. Dead! All of them! Tread lightly, our feline friend.
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VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP 22):
Too bad there’s not a pill for your overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. It seems they have one for everything else, from boner pills to drugs that turn humans into literal zombies. But not for you. Boo-hoo. Turn that frown upside down! When you begin to believe you have the Midas touch, you’ll find everything you lean on turns to gold. So don’t you worry and don’t you fret! You’ll get the answers you’ll never forget!
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LIBRA (SEP 23-OCT 22):
You are so in tune with those closest to you lately, it’s uncanny. It’s also freaking everyone out. They’re avoiding you like you carry the black plague in your pocket. Or your pants. It could happen, you know. People don’t like it when you run your psychic fingers through their thoughts. In certain cultures, it’s considered STALKING. You don’t want that on your police record. Things are only going to get weirder, too. It’s like David Lynch wrote and directed your life this month.
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SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 21):
You’re in a cycle of healing and regeneration, Scorps. So that arm that fell off last month due to your poor hygiene? It will grow itself back. It’s a recurring theme for you now. Get used to losing body parts. And your mind. You’re the craziest futhermucker in the Zodiac, so no one will even blink when your head falls clean off and rolls into the gutter. We expect that shit from you and are disappointed when it doesn’t happen.
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SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22-DEC 21):
Do you feel you’ve been singled out lately for challenging weeks and months? Well, duh, of course you do. You prefer THE BIG PICTURE. You like THE WHOLE ENCHILADA. Tough titty. Your ruling planet, Jupiter, is currently fucking Virgo like the whore she is, and causing you all kinds of life bullshit. That’s not a heart attack, it’s you being royally pissed off. Just keep all sharp implements and things that shoot bullets locked up safely, so you don’t get any big ideas. Federal-prison-orange doesn’t suit you.
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CAPRICORN (DEC 22-JAN 19):
You’ve come down with a sudden case of the “feels.” You can thank Venus for that. You’re typically reserved and invulnerable by nature, but now you’re going to feel like a Cancerian forced to watch that stupid Sarah McLachlan pet adoption video on an endless loop. Or a bloated Sally Struthers auctioning off children in the Congo. Either way, you’d best keep a box of tissues handy for when the waterworks start.
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AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEB 18):
You don’t always do well with relationships, but guess what? You’re headed straight toward a whole mess of them. They’ll be uncomfortable, terrifying, nauseating and chaotic — exactly the qualities you despise in life. Your little world is about to come tumbling down and you’re left standing with nothing but your dignity, if that. Oh well, you’re used to making a complete fool of yourself. This month will be no different.
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PISCES (FEB 19-MAR 19):
Your connections with others have been in the limelight for the past year for you. However, you still have a whole helluva lot to learn. Maybe sign up for a relationship workshop where you’re forced to examine your genitals with a hand-mirror or join a commune where you get practice connecting with your orifices. Whatever you choose, focus on it (and them) and make it work.
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