To help you avoid the predictable and shitty goals everyone makes that lead to abject failure, we’ve created a list of resolutions to avoid in the New Year.
In a perfect world, we hope that all our friends love themselves and their choices just as they are, but because we’re realistic and a little fucked up, we understand that you will probably sneak in a couple of resolutions just to ensure you’ll feel an appropriate amount of disappointment in the upcoming year.
To help you avoid the predictable and shitty goals everyone makes that lead to abject failure, we’ve created a list of resolutions to avoid in the New Year. Take our advice, people. We’ll save you a fuck-ton of time and heartache.
"To Stop Sleeping with Strangers"
Let’s get real, sleeping with strangers could very well be the highlight of your week. Sure, sometimes it gets a little weird when you’re sneaking out at 5 am as to not wake said stranger, but it’s totally worth it to fantasize about the hot, drunken stranger sex after you’ve poorly decided to “settle down” into a sad, sexless marriage.
"To Stop Drinking"
We understand that excessive drinking is bad for you. It absolutely causes us to all make bad decisions, gain weight and sleep with people we normally wouldn’t really even consider talking to on a sober day — but as long as you’re not getting shit-faced on a daily basis, you should be able to enjoy all the libations you want. And we know pot is safer, so if that’s your bag, don’t give that up either. We all have our vices, kids. Don’t give up the one thing that keeps you from cutting a bitch.
"Spending More Time with Family"
Have you forgotten the terror that was the holiday season already?!? We all get a little tipsy and nostalgic on NYE, but just take a moment to think about why you want to spend time with the awfulness that is your family. We appreciate that they created us, but that doesn’t mean that we have to go overboard and start spending extra “family time” with them. Spending more time with family means you have less time for sex, drinking and fun. Remember that when you’re drunk texting your mom on the 31st.
"Stop Being So Emotional"
This one seems to be a biggie for 2016, and we can’t quite figure out why. Being emotional is what makes us human. Unfortunately, women in particular feel the need to be less emotional and this resolution gets under our sensitive skins. It’s time to feel and express those emotions, ladies. There is never a time when expressing yourself is wrong. Ever. Unless it’s at 3 am at Bar Bar and the jukebox is playing Billy Joel. Then … well … keep your feelings to yourself.
If you demand that someone in your life make a commitment to you, everything will end catastrophically. You cannot make resolutions for other people. If marriage is your main focus this year, something is terribly wrong with you. Google “divorce rates,” do a shot of whiskey, and get your shit together. Instead of focusing on marriage in the new year, perhaps your resolution should be to go to intense therapy about your abandonment issues.
Be healthy, but for the love of all our chubby folds, stop holding yourselves up to these ridiculous media driven standards of beauty. Eat, drink and do whatever the hell makes you happy. We promise you that running as fast as you can on a treadmill while some skinny bitch CrossFit trainer yells about how fit you’ll be will not make you happy. Being skinny doesn’t make you happy. Your bod is hot. We promise.
Being organized takes work, and let’s just be honest, we have way too much shit to do in one day to really, truly get Martha Stewart organized. It’s just not feasible. Plus, those little label machines are hard to figure out. We suggest just being surface organized – throw your shit in boxes, stick it in storage and BOOM problem solved. Out of sight. Out. Of. Mind.
"Making More Friends"
We all need people to hang out with, share our happy and bad times, keep us sane — but let’s not overdo this. It’s important to have a social circle, but going out of your way to make new friends isn’t only wicked hard, but most of the time it’s mostly just disappointing. Trying to expand your social network can be stressful and demanding; do you really have time to spend with two more needy people? You barely have enough time to walk your dog and catch up on episodes of “The Affair.” Be happy with your limited social circle and your love of Netflix. You’re okay.
"Spending Less Money"
We make money to spend money, so spend your fucking money. The bottom-line is that some emergency will always come up, forcing you to spend all your savings — so why not just spend your money on what makes you happy in the meantime? Instead of constantly worrying about how much is in your 401K, go out and live your damn life in style. You’ve worked hard and life is short. Spend!
"Finding A Soulmate"
You can’t set out to find someone to love. If you believe in soul mates, then you understand that you will not create a magical Match profile and find the person of your dreams. You can’t control love. Calm the fuck down and enjoy your life with the people that roll in and out of it.