The Simpsons first aired as its own television show on Dec 17, 1989. For 3 years prior, the dysfunctional family comedy was delivered in cartoon shorts, each only a few minutes long on The Tracey Ullman Show — a sketch series that I have absolutely no recollection of.

Back then, I was a quiet, impressionable young kid who sat in front of the TV every week to catch The Simpsons, wearing sleeveless “BMX” tank tops and bright, neon colored hats. It was something completely outside of what was ever offered on TV before, and it spoke to me (and millions of other children) like no other show had previously. From then on, I rarely ever missed an episode. Now, at 34-years-old, I realize that everything I’ve ever needed to know about life, Bart Simpson had already taught me at one point or another with his quick wit and infinite wisdom.

“Eat my shorts.” // “Don’t have a cow, man.”

Never let anyone have the last word, even if your last words don’t make any sense.
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“Well, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.”

Sometimes life sticks it to you raw, and no matter what you do, you’re simply shit out of luck.
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“Gotcha. Can’t win, don’t try.”

After Homer tells Bart, "No matter how good you are, there’s always about a million people better than you,” he responds with abject humility. There really are times in life when it’s better to give up than to try at all.
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“Well, I'm not callin' you a liar, but [sighs] but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence."

Call out the bullshit, don’t let it win,
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"I can't believe that it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows."

Life is fascinating and will never stop surprising you.
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“Well, enjoy it while you can. Everything changes when you get to big one-o. Your legs start to go, candy doesn't taste as good anymore …”

Everyone gets old.
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“I didn't do it!”

You’re probably going to get away with lying more than a few times in life.
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“There’s no such thing as a soul. It’s just something they made up to scare kids. Like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.”

Adults lie all the time.
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“Pfft! All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.”

All the best bands really are affiliated with Satan.
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“So you’re saying I should do your job for you, at home, for free? You wish.”

At a dentist appointment, the woman working on Bart’s teeth hands over a toothbrush and asks him to keep his teeth clean. Bart responds to the entitled stranger with blunt realism. #NotMyJob
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“All that’s left for me is to become the biggest drunk this town’s ever seen.”

No matter what you do, always be the best at it.
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“What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX you know you’re going to be betrayed and humiliated.”

Making fun of FOX before it was cool …
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“I’ve learned that even made-up corporate shills can lie to you.”

An explanation here seems redundant, corporations are the worst.
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“Oh come on. Wouldn’t it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men. Meanwhile I’ll be one of those weird guys who’s thirty-five and shows up at high school basketball games.”

Never show up to high school anythings, especially when you’re 35.