Although holiday sales account for 20 percent of annual retail sales, this year's Black Friday weekend came up $7 billion short, bringing in less cash flow than Roseanne at a strip club. Because analysts will say anything to earn a paycheck, we had our financial correspondents put together their reasons as to why this could have occurred. And honestly, they deserve to be paid more.

Although holiday sales account for 20 percent of annual retail sales, this year's Black Friday weekend came up $7 billion short, bringing in less cash flow than Roseanne at a strip club. Doing what they do best, analysts pulled a Monday morning quarterback, quickly springing to life making frivolous exertions as to why this Black Friday whiskey dick could have occurred. Some said that the current financial state of many Americans is in such a great place that shoppers didn't need to take advantage of the discounts while others barked that the current economic shit pile that America stands in is so deep it's forcing many Americans to save this holiday season (what a novel conce. Because analysts will say anything to earn a paycheck, we had our financial correspondents put together their reasons as to why this could have occurred. And honestly, they deserve to be paid more.

But first, the necessary background:

After weeks of declining gas prices, analysts predicted this would be the biggest holiday season ever.  Industry groups like the National Retail Federation reasoned that Americans would use their fuel savings on Nintendos and other needless electronica.

This year, 133.7 million people shopped in stores and online over the four-day weekend, which was down 5.2 percent from last year, according to a survey of 4,631 people conducted by Prosper Insights & Analytics for the trade group.

Total spending for the weekend fell 11 percent, which amounted to $7 billion dollars worth of squandered retail dreams and sobbing Target employees who only got to break up a measley two or three fist fights over the last flatscreen LED T.V.

In stores, shoppers spent $9.1 billion on Black Friday, according to research firm ShopperTrak, down 7 percent from last year. That was partly due to a 24 percent surge in Thanksgiving sales, to $3.2 billion.

Here's why this happened.

1. The obnoxious habit of big box retailers scheduling their big sale dates earlier and earlier is drawing away from the allure of Black Friday. It's like the boy who cried wolf. By the time Black Friday hits, people have already saved 15% on laundry detergent pods, stealing the thunder from the concept.

2. It's possible that #NotOneDime, the grassroots Black Friday protest that started and spread on Twitter in response to Darren Wilson's non-indictment in the killing of Michael Brown made a small dent nationwide. At any rate, the effort successfully shut down several St. Louis area shopping centers on the biggest shopping day of the year, contributing to the drop in sales.

3. Online shopping, LOL. No one wants to get off their turkey-covered ass to camp like still-drunk Bear Grylls in the frigid depths of winter for discounted DVD players. Increasingly, people are realizing they can stay right where their sofa butt imprint is and order whatever monuments to consumerism they want without more than the flick of a finger. However, in the internet world, both WalMart and Target both reported their highest online sales ever on Cyber Monday.

4. Either the economy is so good that people don't need to wait for Black Friday sales to buy shit, or it's so incredibly bad that the extreme discounts Black Friday offers don't even begin to help. Business Insider points out that the cost of healthcare and insurance and the slow job market are bankupting people left and right, so that could contribute to piss poor sales. Or, it could just be that we spent all our Black Friday money last year on an animatronic sex doll and there's just no need for another. It completes us.

5. Weed. Legal weed is maniacally pricey in states where it's legal, and black market prices are rising in states where it's not. But if people do manage to afford a little Devil's Kale, we're 104% sure they're way to fucking high to contemplate the reality of big box shopping. Pizza now, car stereos later. 

6. Everyone dropped acid and had life revelations about how "you can't buy happiness" and true friendship is worth more than subwoofers, and now they're all wet and shaking in a cave, but they're happy, because they've learned to live without material need. Adorable.

7. Burning Man tickets too expensive, all the money gone now. All of it.

8. Everyone lost a very expensive bet that Interstellar wouldn't suck. Look who's laughing now.

9. Grandma died. And sorry Grandma, but your incessant reminders that the news says AIDS is still a dangerous killer is what forced us into the grueling Black Friday campgrounds and never ending lines in the first place. Now, there's really no reason to live in a snowbank outside a Target for two days, and that's the true spirit of Christmas.

11. We're confined to wheelchairs and colostomy bags after last year's brutal Black Friday beat downs.

12. Everyone's too afraid of Ray Rice and elevators to leave their house.

13. People of WalMart, for two reasons. First, everyone's afraid of being an actual Person of Walmart. Second, because seeing these people in person is a harrowing, life changing experience that no amount of Beats by Dre headphones can ameliorate.

14. Artisanal, bearded iPad crafters are flooding the market with handmade smart-screen devices made of kisses and dandelions.

15. Agoraphobia has become ultra super trendy, because Becky got grounded and had to stay home and everyone loves Becky so we're all like, "solidarity!" and that's totally why we couldn't come to your Black Friday thingy.

16. Alligators roaming the streets looking for blood, better to stay home.

17. People hate the economy! They just don't like its face!

18. Black Friday was actually last month, you guys missed it.

Well, whatever the reasons for the plummet in Black Friday sales, one thing's for sure: every Friday is Black Friday if you're blind, so don't worry. There will be other chances to waste your paycheck on discounted Furbies.