Shaky alliances. Lethal weapons. Untold casualities. An all out fight for survival in the dead of winter. No, we're not talking about WWII. We're talking about Black Friday at Walmart, and we're getting PTSD just thinking about it.
In North Carolina, pandemonium erupted as Walmart patrons waged war on each other over who could could claim stake to all the $8.44 T-Shirts and half off Rachel Ray cookware. But Walmart wasn't about to have the battle recorded; the man who filmed the following footage was immediately asked to leave after a Walmart minion saw him recording the bloodshed with his phone. Were the crazy deals on Fruit of the Loom undershirts worth the casualties? Only time will tell.
And then, in Texas, combat broke out as enraged shoppers pushed and shoved each other, creating a sea of pain at a Fort Worth Walmart. Thankfully, one woman with a "heart problem," who was getting pushed around by various "motherfuckers" was there to provide some comic relief. For us, at least.
But, we have to admit that nothing says "America" quite like being handcuffed on top of the flat screen TV you shed blood trying to defend:
This senseless Walmart smackdown-a-thon is more than just a patriotic war cry, signaling to the rest of the world that we are every bit as ridiculous as they suspected. It's our national pastime. Violent consumerism is America at its finest, and Walmart is clearly the stomping ground from which our freedom heroes are borne. So to all the warriors who braved the country's Walmarts in the name of wild and wacky savings on Kindles and sweat suits, we salute you for showing us what war really is.