Aside from having some of the most notoriously entitled yuppie scum to grace the populace of our great nation, Boulder also has some of the most entitled sex offenders. One of the most precious examples of those is renowned “Potty Peeper” Luke Chrisco, who is suing the Boulder County Jail and Sheriff’s Office over “harm and flagrant deprivation of his rights” while he was in jail. Is this okay with you?

Aside from having some of the most notoriously entitled yuppie scum to grace the populace of our great nation, Boulder also has some of the most entitled sex offenders. One of the most precious examples of those is renowned “Potty Peeper” Luke Chrisco, who is suing the Boulder County Jail and Sheriff’s Office over “harm and flagrant deprivation of his rights” while he was in jail. Is this okay with you?

His demands? Um … $99,999 or “an equivalent amount of gold coinage.” Wow, at only five digits, state officials are really getting a deal on that sucker!

If you don’t remember Luke, he was the guy who climbed into the tank of a Port-o-Pottie at a Boulder yoga festival in 2011 to spy on women peeing and pooping for his own sexual gratification. He was caught after a woman noticed something moving at the bottom of the tank, which turned out to be a feces-covered man (see: Luke). Upon being seen, Luke lifted himself out of the poo pit and ran away like a runaway chimichanga shit. Bye!

However, he was caught (poop leaves a trail, dude) and sentenced to two years of hard time. After he was booked, he also told Boulder and University of Colorado police that he “hid in crawl spaces and bathrooms around Boulder, including at CU, Naropa University, the Department of Motor Vehicles office and a number of businesses, in order to watch women use the toilet.”

The sentence was pretty lenient if you ask us, but that didn’t stop Luke from filing a number of complaints. First of all, he says the jail deputies lost his legal documents during his stint (wahhh). Second, he says he was discriminated against because of his sex offender history (sob). Third, he alleges that several guards threatened him, and that he was repeatedly moved in the jail "without cause for the purpose of driving me insane” (unhappiest of unhappy faces).

We’re pretty sure that once you’ve earned yourself an official criminal name like “Potty Peeper,” you are no longer eligible for the deluxe, five-star incarcerate experience.

On the same note, being a sex offender in prison is the easiest way to earn yourself a name of a entirely different variety … “Girlfriend.” Sex offenders are the most universally hated criminals, according to every TV show and movie we've ever seen. Luke must not have Netflix.

He also said that the actions of the deputies caused him to twice attempt suicide … which is honestly sad, but isn’t jail supposed to be kind of rough? If being sentenced meant you just took a few years to get in shape and make lifelong friends, wouldn’t more people be lifting TVs and trying to kill Fox News executives.

In addition to the lawsuit, Luke, who is representing himself, also requested “expanded media coverage” from a judge, but the judge told him that a third party media outlet would have to make that demand. Dude wants some attention, we guess.

Look, man … just because jail doesn’t have the kind of potties you can crawl into and sit in feces for hours doesn’t mean you’re being deprived of any kind of right. Plus, the author, me, has been to Boulder County Jail once or thrice and I can verify with my hand over my heart that there is one toilet per cell of two people, which means watching your cell mate go pee pee and poo poo is almost too easy.

But wait! It get’s impossibly more interesting!

Whilst suing every municipal office with “Boulder County” in its name, Luke is back in prison. At Boulder County Jail. With the deputies and prison officials he is opening up a can of whoop-ass on.

What?!

He’s in there until 2016 for failing to comply with parole and is being held without bond, according to jail records. During his probation, which began in 2013, he committed two counts of burglary and one count of unlawful sexual conduct. He has also not been completing his sex-offender treatment, which is a stipulation of his 10-year intensive supervised sex offender program.

We’re not saying that people don’t suffer extreme mistreatment at the hands of the justice system. We’re certainly not discounting his claims, nor the claims of countless other prisoners that have alleged throughout penitentiary history, but Luke’s lawsuit brings up an important question.

At what point does the punishment fit the crime? And what do you do when it doesn’t?

While you ponder that limitless inquiry, let us continue to entertain you with this short list of other equally batshit crazy lawsuits. Luke’s might not be the craziest court case after all.

1. Andrew Burnett vs. Dog Owner
In the year 2000, Andrew Burnett got into a fight over a fender bender with a lady on a highway in San Jose, California. Things got heated, threatening body movements were exchanged, and Andrew ended up throwing the lady’s little dog into traffic to demonstrate his superior physical prowess. The dog was killed, and Andrew went to jail for three years. But then, in 2003, he resurfaced armed with a new level of asshole-ism hardened by prison life, and filed a one million dollar lawsuit against the dog’s owner, claiming that she had “defaced his image and caused him mental anguish,” along with lost wages from the time he had to spend in prison. Thankfully, the judge decided not to compensate the dog tosser, and threw the case out of court, hopefully in the same way Andrew threw the dog.

2. Wanita Young vs. Free Cookies
Two nice girls, Lindsey Zellitti and Taylor Ostergaard, wanted to do something nice for their neighbors. So they went around their neighborhood, knocking on doors and leaving a small package of (FREE!) cookies in front of every door. When they got to forty-nine-year-old Wanita Young’s house, the sound of the girls knocking on the door apparently caused her to undergo a massive panic attack. She had to call the police who eventually took her to the hospital.
After the girls apologized, and after they offered to pay her hospital bills, Wanita still decided to take them to court and sue them for $900—and she actually won the case. That’s the last goddamn time anyone’s ever gonna get free cookies. Thanks, Wanita.

3. William Baxter vs. His Wife’s Cat
In 2011, William Baxter was watching his wife’s cat when the beast “viciously” attacked him and bit his finger, an injury so grievous he was barely able to flip it off after the incident. So, William took the only reasonable course of action: he sued the cat’s owner (see: his wife) for $100,000. He demanded $50,000 for scratches on his arm, and then another $50,000 for the bite to his finger. The lawsuit also claimed that not only did William suffer, but that he’d “continue to suffer” in the future,” which is probably a reference to the doghouse his wife put him in. Sexually.
 

So, as you can see, Luke Chrisco isn't the only one making insane litigious demands … but he is the only one doing so from the bottom of a portable toilet like a human version of Aah! Real Monsters. But regarless of whether or not his lawsuit goes through, we're sure as shit not shitting in any Port-o-Potties, Honey Pots, or other equally punny-named portable facilities for the next, oh, hundred years or so.