If you’re having a hard time getting laid, keeping your job and being a man in general, it’s probably because you’re wrinkly, fat and ugly. But, it’s finally acceptable for you to do something about it. A report from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons said that the amount of men getting Botox jumped up 10 percent to 300,000 procedures performed this year.

If you’re having a hard time getting laid, keeping your job and being a man in general, it’s probably because you’re wrinkly, fat and ugly. But, it’s finally acceptable for you to do something about it.

A report from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons said that the amount of men getting Botox jumped up 10 percent to 300,000 procedures performed this year. They claim it’s so they can keep their jobs, but we can see right through that. Admit it, you’re jealous that women get to lie every day about their height, weight and what their faces really look like.

It’s completely understandable and we think you should be able to lie about all that too, so we’ve compiled a list of sneaky things you can do to alter your appearance. You know, so you can keep your job and be less fat and stuff.

Breast Implants

Embarrassed to take off your shirt in public because of your floppy set of man-tits?  Worry no more, one trip to the plastic surgeon, a few weeks of recovery time and you’ll have the boobs Arnold Schwarzenegger dreams about.

The Wonder Underwear

Is your flat ass and puny bulge keeping you from getting the pussy you deserve? Slip into a pair of these padded underwear and you’re instantly transformed from skinny dork to donkey-dicked, ba-donk that women just can’t wait to get their hands on. 

Shapeware

Beer belly keeping you from wearing skinny jeans and trendy shirts? Squeeze into a man-girdle and say goodbye to those extra rolls instantly. No trips to they gym necessary, and hey, order bacon on that double cheeseburger while you’re at it. Your underwear’s got you covered. 

High Heels

Too short to get noticed by anyone? Put some lift in your shoes and gain five inches instantly. You can add the insoles to existing shoes, or just get these snazzy man-heels. Look out Michael Jordan, here you come. 

Makeup

Blemishes and uneven skin preventing you from casual sex? Concealer is the answer my friend. It’s how the girls go from a six to a 10 in half an hour flat, and you too can enjoy the perks of makeup; excuse me, “corrective skin-care.”  Quick dab under the eye and you’re one sexy motherfucker.