Amidst the confetti flurry of news that dominated the holiday season, there was one story that stuck out like a turd in a glitter fountain. It was a bizarre development. One that was curious enough to draw the superficial attention of the mainstream media: Mark Zuckerberg is building a lavish ‘post-apocalyptic bunker’ in Hawaii.


We aren’t talking about some plebeian concrete hole in the ground, either. Zuck is constructing a multi-level 5,000 square-foot luxury doomsday home on a 1,400-acre compound that could withstand catastrophic global disasters — natural or otherwise. It cost him $270 million, or around .2% of his current net worth. 


Red flags shot up and began waving furiously at the news. And it’s made even more sinister when you learn that Zuck isn’t the only billionaire getting into doomsday prepping. Musk and Bezos have also reportedly recently built their own End Times survival shelters elsewhere on planet Earth. And Bill Gates has installed bunkers at all of his properties.


Of course, the question left rattling around everyone’s mind is why? And why now?


In Africa when wildebeest flee an area, it’s because they can smell a flash flood coming from miles away. In earthquake zones, when dogs suddenly become hyper-anxious, barking and howling hysterically, it’s because they can hear the high-pitched sound of rocks shifting in the Earth before you feel it. 


When billionaires start building doomsday bunkers… Well, it’s certainly a sign of something. These are people with the deepest intel on global events. They’re card-carrying members of the Illuminati, for fuck’s sake. They know things we don’t, plain and simple, and they have the means to alter world events in their favor. 


So when they’re prepping for something out of their control, it’s safe to assume there’s a bad moon rising. Something is coming that our billionaire class is shoring up for. 


So what is it? You know this is the only journalistic column daring enough to speculate on that question. And we know it’s why you came here. So here are Rooster’s predictions as to what’s behind these oligarchs’ growing fascination with apocalypse preparation. 


Our tech overlords fear revolt


It’s no secret people are fed up with the wealth gap. The 1% class owns half of the world’s wealth and produces 16% of its carbon emissions alone. Not to mention they’re worshipping Moloch and drinking baby blood to maintain their increasingly youthful appearances. The chasm between the everyman and someone like Zuck is wider than it’s ever been. Maybe the billionaires fear we’re coming for them, that eventually we’re going to rise up and storm their castles. The bunkers might just be a precautionary measure. Then again, it might not be so simple…


Cthulhu is Rising


Everyone knows the dark lord of the great sunken city of R’lyeh has been slumbering beneath the waves of our oceans for centuries. His dreams influence our reality. Legends prophesie of the gargantuan human-octopus-dragon-hybrid’s eventual awakening, and rise to power. It’s not insane to imagine Zuck and his billionaire buddies with their immense intel resources caught wind of Cthulhu’s return. And if the time is truly nigh, they’ll be lucky to have those bunkers.


Internet virus cripples world wide web


What do Zuck, Musk, Bezos, and Gates all have in common (besides money, sociopathic tendencies, and a thirst for adrenochrome)? Their businesses, income, and empires are all built on the World Wide Web. It is the foundation of everything they own and control. For some time, the conspira-sphere has felt the rumblings of an imminent internet viral attack. It would cripple communication around the world. It would be a catastrophic event that would necessitate a hasty government rebuild of the entire system. And in such a way our government would once and for all gain control of the internet. A period of turmoil, distress, confusion, and blue balls would follow the web’s downfall. Our world would spin out of control. And no doubt, in the period before the rebuild, tech oligarchs like Zuck would need a place to hide.


The alien invasion is coming


Ok, ok — I get it. People are tired of hearing about aliens. But think about it: maybe the recent flurry of UFO/UAP news and disclosure progress is tied to these billionaires building bunkers. Maybe they have advanced knowledge of the forthcoming invasion, and they’re preparing for their new lives underground, under extraterrestrial control.  


Juan’s Theory?


No one asked for my opinion. But if someone had, I’d tell them that I don’t think Zuck’s $270 million luxury bunker has anything to do with the apocalypse. Rich dudes can’t stand other rich dudes having things they don’t. They’re in a consumeristic dick-measuring contest with a bottomless budget, and the result is a bunch of self-important sociopaths building unnecessary bomb shelters to protect their egos. Because goddamnit, if Bill, Jeff, and Elon all have rad underground bunkers, Zuck’s gotta have one too.