Everyone needs a frosty chocolate shake sometimes, almost as much as they needed a breastfeeding image in their heads.
Out of all the fast food restaurants out there today, McDonald's is arguably the best at translating your nightmares into affordable edibles. Pink slime, worm meat, fries that'll still be fresh and ready-to-eat a thousand years after the apocalypse; it's all a delicious yet slightly satanic way to activate both our neural fear cortex and our stomachs.
And now, McDonald's Japan has taken that concept one step further by announcing that their milkshake straws were strategically engineered to ideally mimic the speed of milk transmission and all around experience of a breastfeeding infant. It’s impossible to make this shit up.
McDonald’s Japan founder, Den Fujita, wrote, "When humans drink something, the speed that produces the most delicious feeling is the speed at which babies nurse … McDonald’s straws are designed so that when used with a shake, the speed will be the same as that of an infant drinking breast milk.” The quote comes from the book Den Fujita’s Business Strategies 2: Overwhelming Business Strategies.
Mmm… Perhaps this explains the curious human need to be burped post-McShake.
It’s difficult to determine which is more incredible, the notion that any of this is real or the fact that the story itself took more than a decade after the book was published to gain traction. Regardless, milkshakes have been temporarily ruined now that everyone can only imagine their McStraws as a teething-inflamed surrogate milk duct.
The real takeaway is that McDonald’s wants humans to feel loved and soothed, welcoming them into its nurturing bosom to suckle the corn syrup and soft serve from ol’ Ronald’s supple teets.