Dead birds means no eggs, no turkey dinners and no fun. Christmas is over, kids.

How did that one nursery rhyme go? “Be careful, be careful, look around, watch your side, ‘cuz avian flu is going to. come. get. you. died. …”? Or something like that?

Or, no, maybe our parents were just sadistic fucks who felt like scarring children with actual real life horrors before bedtime was a good idea? The nerve of those asshats …

So now some 30 years after the fact, we’ve learned avian flu is a real-world problem with real-life consequences in our adult lives and not just some silly bedtime rhyme. Not so much in the sense that we’re going to die a miserable death from accidentally stepping on bird droppings, but we may as well, because the price of a dozen eggs might skyrocket past $6 for twelve boxed chicken fetuseses!

"Give us early-morning omelets or give us death!" We always say …

This past May, one of the worst avian flu outbreaks in three decades hit farms, creating doomsday for over 47 million chickens and turkeys. Because of it, there were around 341 million less ‘dozen’ cartons being shipped than normal. The resulting shortage forced grocery stores to increase prices anywhere from 76 percent to a staggering 135 percent markup in the Midwest.

The price gouge has calmed a little over the past couple of weeks, with the New York Times reporting decreased demand is offsetting the shortage, but the bird population isn’t out of the clear yet. The flu can and likely will come back.

That reality in sight, the comeback of the flu is even threatening Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner because experts are wary that when migration patterns begin again around October, the “Freebirds” will bring the disease back to caged producers, thereby fucking up holiday plans for the upcoming season.

What will us poor Americans do without a Thanksgiving turkey? Options, we need options!

We’re looking at you, pigs of the honey-smoked variety …