This Charlotte writer perfectly sums up life in Denver.
Prior to Sunday's gladiatorial Super Bowl 50 bloodshed, the editorial boards of The Denver Post and The Charlotte Observer agreed to engage in a little hand-to-hand combat of their own as a preamble to the game. After all, the pen is mightier than the … the, uh … tight pants linebacker? Is that how that goes?
Anyway, Jeremy Meyer, a Post writer, took up the challenge, taking on The Observer's Taylor Batten, who launched his attack on Denver with this hilariously sarcastic interpretation of life in the Mile High City:
I must have been stoned when I agreed to do this. Why would anyone with a clear head and not affected by altitude sickness agree to take on the challenge of portraying the Mile High City of Denver as inferior to Charlotte?
I don't stand a chance. My only hope is that all Denver Post subscribers can't read this because they are stuck in their daily parking lot hell known as Interstate 70 or I-25. Or at least that they're so apathetic from smoking their legalized weed that they don't bother to e-mail me their thoughts.
There are people who can read in Denver, after all. It's not everyone who's being left behind by Denver Public Schools. A national report last fall found that Denver's better-off kids are doing OK. It's the 70 percent of kids who are poor who suffer from the worst achievement gaps in the nation.
Yes, I have my work cut out for me, because Denver is the greatest place on Earth, filled with the most stunning, most active, most beautiful people. Don't take it from me. Just ask them, they'll tell you. And tell you and tell you.
These are outdoor-loving people. On weekends, they hop in their Range Rovers and skid down their driveways headed for fun activities such as skiing, snowboarding and hopping over the homeless people who fill the downtown sidewalks.
The skiing is great, I'll grant you that. It's only if you want to do anything else with your life that the weather becomes a problem. It snows as much in Denver in the average October as it snows in Charlotte all year. Denver residents boast about all their days of sunshine (among endless other things), but you haven't lived until you've watched a storm from hell whip up on Denver within minutes.
Really, what's not to like about a place where the temperature drops below freezing 156 days a year? In Denver, they point out that it has hit 20 below zero or colder "only" 30 times since 1872.
It's OK; you can stay warm by standing near the wildfire.
It must be that kind of weather that drives so many people in Colorado to do drugs. It's not only the legal doobies. The state also ranks at or near the top nationally for alcohol consumption and for cocaine and other illicit drug use. (Presumably, this doesn't include their signature beer, Coors, which is closer to water than to a world's-best beer like, say, Charlotte's own Hop Drop 'N Roll from NoDa Brewing.)
Of course, if you paid $2,000 a month for a basic two-bedroom apartment, you'd be looking for a coping mechanism, too.
Charlotte can't even top Denver on the sports scene, because the cities are so similar. The Panthers and Broncos meet in the Super Bowl, of course. Both have NBA franchises, in the Hornets and Nuggets. And both have minor-league-level baseball, with the Knights and the Rockies.
I give up. Denver is too great. There is simply no better city to live in if you want to be in a place that thinks of "South Park" as high culture and that ranks last in kids' vaccinations, last in funding for state universities and first for sexually active women.
Plus, when you get the munchies during the Super Bowl, you can feast on the local specialty: bull testicles.
Oh shit, Taylor Batten! Shots fired! It's actually a pretty accurate take-down, which prompts us to think … maybe we should absorb some of his wisdom and change Denver's name from the Mile High City to the "Attractive, Sexually-Active City?" Those were the keywords we picked out from his description … weird. We must be ovulating.
Anyway, Denver's Jeremy Myer responded with this searing zinger: "Carolina: a great place to visit … if you're a hurricane!" but we thought he could have done a little better (read his entire response here). Ironically, we didn't have to pen a tongue-in-cheek op-ed to do that though … The full force of life in the clack-a-lackas (?) was made plain to us after an hours-long Google search revealed the following screen-grab was the only relevant information about Carolinians:
… They are a simple people.
However, we are very glad to hear that they have many natural water sources in which to wash the tears of living in a place where tobacco is considered a vegetable off their kinda obese cheeks. They do have infamous BBQ though … so infamous that we almost considered moving there to taste its sweet nectar until we learned that in North Carolina, oral sex is a considered a "crime against nature," it's illegal to have any type of sex other than missionary and that it's a felony to steal more than $1,000 worth of grease. Those are unacceptable terms for us, as we must be able to steal at least $1,100 worth of grease to feel self-actualized.
In South Carolina, things aren't much better: The law states that "every adult male must bring a rifle to church on Sunday in order to ward off Indian attacks." It's also perfectly legal to beat your wife on the courthouse steps on Sundays. Rude.
Well, it looks like neither Super Bowl city/ pair of states is an ideal utopia to live … unless of course you like gorgeous, fit people who can legally purchase marijuana. But we don't know who could possibly be into that kind of thing … we'll just have to leave it up to the Broncos and Cozy Kitties to settle this score for us.