Hold up. Everyone pause for a second. Just look at you, sitting there, all alive and kinda happy and probably nervous and stuff. It’s finally 2021 and for many of you it means surviving the last several months is something you can put on future applications under the “Special Skills” tab. It’s also a fresh start to begin working out again, drinking less, spending more time with Internet strangers and creating your very own list of celebrity death predictions — a time honored classic here at Rooster Worldwide.
It just wouldn’t be a new year without guesstimating the demise of a privileged few.
Everyone should have seen this one coming years ago. At no point should a grown man have a serious and direct conversation with an empty chair on national television referring to it as “Mr. President” the whole way through. But that’s what Clint “Okay Boomer” Eastwood did during 2012’s Republican National Convention and it’s been a slow decline ever since. Though the man has secured incredible Hollywood highs during his iconic tenure, 2021 may be the year to take Ol’ Yeller for a walk in the meadow.
You don’t have to be a rocket doctor to understand that shoveling feral bees into one’s vagina isn’t medicine … or whatever it is the former somewhat decent actress does with all her money. Paltrow’s lifestyle brand, Goop, seems to always find itself deep in controversy by perpetuating dangerous and patently false white suburban mom witchcraft to try and cure cancer or have better orgasms. She’s playing with fire … probably also in her vagina … and soon enough she’s gonna get burned.
One of the Duck Dynasty Guys
Willie? Carl? Dumpy? For the love of Travolta be nice to us we’ve had a rough year. Trying to remember any one of the Duck Dynasty characters from 2013 A.D. is simply too big a task. But make no mistake, one of the camo-wearing, love fearing duck dudes might be the cause of that loud “Whaaat?!” you exert when reading about a hilariously redneck yet fatal accident online. Probably on the toilet. No you’ll definitely be on the toilet.
No lie, Ozzy has hit our list every year for the past couple decades. And why wouldn’t he? Even the closest people to him are shocked he can lean upright after more than half a century of bodily abuse, including the infamous ant snorting story and eating bats on stage. If the world has learned anything lately it’s that bats are not food. Do not eat bats. Maybe that’s why he’s still alive though. Has The Prince Of Darkness found the key to immortality?
Look, we know the hairs went up on the back of your neck just now, but here’s the thing: we actually kinda like Bey. We think she’s a powerful figure and honestly don’t think she’s going to meet her maker until at least 2121. This is more of an office experiment to pass the time until we can all sit in the same room together again. The bet? No less than a few hundred hate posts from people who failed to read the entire article will land on Twitter before lunchtime. We need those aggressive social interactions to make us feel alive again.
Who? Exactly. Here’s a brief history lesson for you youths. In his prime as one of baseball’s best, Jose Canseco had it all. He was Rookie of the Year in 1986, won MVP in 1988 and was a six-time All-Star. Then the dude wrote a book and basically ratted out the entire Major League Baseball Association for using performance enhancing drugs. So at 56 he’s not exactly too old to carry on, it’s that several dozen ‘roid ragers are out there looking to meet him in a dark alley still. Snitches get … you get it.
Fun Colorado Fact: In the early 1800s there were actually two reptilian species living underground in the area we now refer to as “DIA” — lizards and turtles. After the Great Green War of 1853, only a few of the beady-eyed bipedal Testudines survived, having to create normal lives for themselves hiding amongst the humans. One of them was named Mitch, a spry young lad with good intentions. But as decades passed, greed took hold of his cold-blooded heart. Soon, the last of the historic Turtalians will exist to be.
Kim Jong Un
This fucking guy. Last year the world’s most cunning Supreme Weeble Wobble of North Korea died and came back to life more times than a daytime soap opera hunk. In his place during these inexplicable vacations was his ruthless sister, someone who would most definitely spike a higher up’s soju with Batrachotoxin to claim his throne. (Allegedly, please don’t hurt us.) After all, the family doesn’t exactly have a history of love and compassion for kin.
Wouldn’t this just be the ultimate sequel bummer to a miserable year? After securing an estimated $300 million by selling complete artistic rights over to Universal Music Publishing Group, Dylan basically guaranteed kingdom to the rest of his time here on earthly grounds. But just because he’s rich doesn’t make him immune to the inevitable suck of irony. The lord giveth and the lord taketh away.
And angels sing / And clouds cover up the ground