We knew alcohol was good for something other than enhancing your ability to fall on your face from a complete standstill. Here are four very inebriated ways how.

We knew alcohol was good for something other than enhancing your ability to fall on your face from a complete standstill. Here are four very inebriated ways how.

CHAMPAGNE:
Improves power plant technology
Researchers are studying the way that champagne bubbles work in an effort to improve power plant efficiency worldwide. To do this, one study published in the Journal of Chemical Physics probed a phenomenon called Ostwald Ripening. That, newbs, is a thing where many smaller bubbles quickly morph into fewer large ones after a sudden decrease in pressure that occurs from, say, cracking open a champagne bottle with a sword. More importantly, to study this effect, they popped about 4,000 champagne bottles using a RIKEN supercomputer to track the ultra-fast changes that occur. They did this because while Oswalt ripening occurs in champagne and soda bottles on a small scale, it’s useful in more macro environments like power plant boilers where correct pressure gradients are key and the unwanted formation of bubbles can wreck havoc on plant efficiency. That’s all fine and well, but next time you open 4,000 bottles of champagne, invite us, okay?

Dark beer:
Reduces cancer and gets you wasted in 0.5 seconds
Slather that steak in a stout or pair that pork chop with a porter — all in the name of good health. Beer marinades are actually an effective way of reducing levels of polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs), a group of carcinogenic compounds that form on grilled meat when fats and juices interact with an open flame, finds a new study in the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry. But not all beer has equal cancer-preventing potential: Researchers marinated samples of pork for four hours in either a Pilsner beer, non-alcoholic Pilsner, or a “black” beer, and then grilled them until well-done. Black beer like porters and stouts had the strongest effect, reducing levels of PAHs by 53% compared to unmarinated meat; followed by the non-alcoholic Pilsner (25%); then the regular Pilsner (13%). This is probably because dark beer is so full of antioxidants that a regular Pilsner could be a goddamned cup of hot green tea for all we care. The darker the better.

Whiskey:
Purifies water in third-world countries that don’t have Britas like you yuppies
Leigh Cassidy, a Scottish researcher, has found a way to purify arsenic-tainted water with the barley husks leftover from making whiskey. She was working on her PhD, studying water sanitation mechanism, when she first had the idea to spike toxic water with Jim Beam. She thought that draff (the leftover grain residue from brewing whiskey) could be compressed into a sort of filter that would attract toxic substances like arsenic and keep them out of drinking water. “I was told ‘don’t be stupid, it will never work,’” Cassidy said to The Guardian. But guess what, idiots? It did. Cassidy modified the draff with a secret ingredient to create an organic compound she named Dram. When combined with local ingredients, it has proven to purify water contaminated with harmful levels of arsenic. She’s now working with PurifAid to bring Dram and arsenic-free water to Bangladesh. Thanks, whiskey!

Red wine:
Helps keep astronauts (and your sex drive) alive
Researchers at the University of Strasbourg in France found that the antioxidant reservatrol in red wine could help reconcile the adverse health effects of zero gravity experienced by all the Buzz Lightyears up in the sky. When they’re just floating around on lengthy missions, astronauts lose muscle and bone density, but reservatrol may inhibit these effects thanks to its ability to bring oxygen to bodily tissues. Even better, the same reservatrol that makes astronauts not deflate also makes women horny as the devil. In a recent study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, Italian researchers found that women who favor red wine over other alcoholic beverages have a higher sex drive than those who are on a tequila cleanse or don’t drink at all. But do women with naturally higher sex drives tend to drink red wine or does red wine truly have an revving effect on female libido? Get back to us when you have answer. #toodrunktoconcludethisparagraphsuccessfully.