We always use our birthday and favorite number-based sexual position. 

Since no one cashed in on that monster Powerball lottery last week, things have really gone up a notch. Now, the grand prize is up to $1.5 billion, which is more money than you could ever make in roughly a million years.

People are losing their minds over this. Certain morons on the Internet have even become convinced that the nation's problem with poverty could be solved by evenly distributing the prize to every U.S. citizen:

This person, tragically, is a complete idiot, because this math actually works out to $4.33 per person. But that didn't stop plenty of mouth-breathers from screaming about it first. 

But we go to Fox for our news. They weighed in, offering their sane, rational financial advice:

That seems like a great plan.

But since the odds of winning are 1 in 292.2 million, you're gonna want to practice before you drain your life savings with thousands of lottery tickets. Thankfully, the good people over at the L.A. Times have built a lottery simulator so you can be good and practiced before you cash in your retirement account. Just plug in your numbers, and you can gamble exactly as much as you want. 

We spent about half a year's worth of money on imaginary tickets, and we lost our imaginary asses. 

We're gonna win because we've practiced a ton, and we've even figured out what we'll spend the money on.

Just remember, there's a good reason they've got a few billion dollars and you don't: