The texting acronyms CNN is so flustered by, while relatively new, aren’t even a huge leap from transmission techniques past. There were the hand-passed notes of the ‘70s and ‘80s, followed by cleverly paged number schemes of the '90s to communicate funny shit to peers. It's all innocence, wrapped up in fear-mongering drivel. 

Ever since the advent of the scary World Wide Web circa 1990, older media outlets have had a hard time coming to terms with the news industry’s slow grasp on reality. Because information can now take off within seconds, rather than months, the publishing dinosaurs have seen it’s increasingly difficult to be in the know with the wavering culture of younger generations pushed by immediacy.

We’d have thought they’d find a way to catch-up by now, but judging from a recent list CNN recently posted up titled “28 Internet acronyms every parent should know,” the struggle is still very, very real for most unhip publications.

The smudged window of clarity between a parent and its offspring will forever be a constant. There will never be a complete understanding between the forces, for one, because kids are everywhere with their thoughts, and for two, because becoming an adult means becoming a tax-enslaved, aging idiot.

The texting acronyms CNN is so flustered by, though relatively new, aren’t even a huge leap from transmission techniques past. There were the hand-passed notes of the ‘70s and ‘80s, followed closely by cleverly paged number schemes of the '90s to communicate funny shit to peers.

Our favorites of the era include:

07734 = Hello
17-31707-1 = I Love You
7734-2-09 = Go To Hell
555555318008 = BOOBIESSSSSS

And we all turned out just fine …

Keeping in touch with what kids are doing is mandatory, but we’re playing a global cops and robbers game with trying to know everything. Robbers will always be one step ahead of the cops. The trick is to let them get away with just a little bit of robbing until they make a pivotal mistake. We’ve watched enough CSI to know: robbers always make mistakes.

We’re not even sure the kids know what they’re doing half of the time. Remember being young? It’s literally a life consumed by a who’s who roster of school-wide importance and stomping through the daunting task of trying to forge an identity in a perceptively growing world of disappointment. Should we really take every trial before error of theirs seriously?

So GTFO of here with this list, CNN. If the country really thinks the world’s sex-spawns are out fornicating with acronyms, we say let ‘em. No one has ever caught an STD from digital sexy-talk. The mostly-innocent task is only another entry into a historical “WTF were we thinking back then” series of laughs. Sexting with acronyms (if its even happening as much as CNN would like us to believe) seems harmless enough. It’s all part of the process of experimentation.

If shorthanded texting is the biggest problem parents have right now, they should count their blessings – college is right around the corner. It’s that inescapable place where scarier acronyms exist in a very real, very destroying format. MIPs, DUIs and RIPs are wildly out of control on campuses and can’t simply be deleted with a left to right swipe of the thumb.

Also, acronyms have to be the least sexy thing on the planet. If some bed-worthy-betty comes within a friend request away of us and thinks she’s going to get any side of fries with this entrée texting in shorthand, she has another thing coming. Byeeee Felicia!

It most certainly isn't as big of a problem as the news outlet is making it be.

CNN at least has something right in it’s latest fear-mongering debacle: “After you read this list, you'll likely start looking at your teen's texts in a whole new way.”

Exactly, like, “How the hell did I raise such a geeky device-addicted noob and where can I stash this phone so they’ll get out to exercise more and learn to function in the real world like successful people do?”

Now read up on the list, even though by the end of it the next generation of semen-egg-alliances will be forming another strange form of communication. And the cycle continues …

IWSN: I want sex now
GNOC: Get naked on camera
NIFOC: Naked in front of computer
PIR: Parent in room
CU46: See you for sex
53X: Sex
9: Parent watching
99: Parent gone
1174': Party meeting place
THOT: That hoe over there
CID: Acid (the drug)
Broken: Hungover from alcohol
420: Marijuana
POS: Parent over shoulder
SUGARPIC: Suggestive or erotic photo
KOTL: Kiss on the lips
(L)MIRL: Let's meet in real life
PRON: Porn
TDTM: Talk dirty to me
8: Oral sex
CD9: Parents around/Code 9
IPN: I'm posting naked
LH6: Let's have sex
WTTP: Want to trade pictures?
DOC: Drug of choice
TWD: Texting while driving
GYPO: Get your pants off
KPC: Keeping parents clueless

To contact the writer of this article, Brian Frederick, email: | Cover art: Julian Yu