Nearly a month ago, the Colorado Department of Health and Education proposed a ban on all edibles to be added in new edible regulation legislature, HB 14-1366. Apparently new regulations need to be put in place to keep weed candy out of kids's rotten mouths, and it's up to the state to make sure your children don't get high. Banning all edibles won't work, but perhaps some of the other bat-shit proposals will. If not, we've come up with our own ideas and, if we can say so ourselves, they're pretty genius.
Nearly a month ago, the Colorado Department of Health and Education proposed a ban on all edibles to be added in new regulation legislature, HB 14-366. Apparently new regulations need to be put in place to keep weed candy out of kids's rotten mouths, and it's up to the state to make sure your children don't get high. Banning all edibles won't work, but perhaps some of the other bat-shit proposals will. If not, we've come up with our own ideas and, if we can say so ourselves, they're pretty genius.
Obviously young children accidentally eating their parent’s pot is a legitimate concern that should be addressed. Since it was legalized there’s been an uptick in marijuana-related emergency room visits and calls to poison control. Many involving young children who were looking for a sugar high but ended up with the tetrahydrocannabinol kind. Kids aren’t built for drugs of that caliber, this we know. But, is the way to solve this problem banning what we unbanned a year ago? Can’t we just ban dumb guardians instead?
Banning or regulating the hell out of edibles, which by the way account for 45 percent of legal marijuana sales, will only push their production back into the black market and start the conversation of repealing Amendment 64 all together. Advocates, opponents and lawmakers alike are angry and confused about what to do, so they’re just throwing out any and all random ideas on how to keep pot from the mouths of babes, because this is obviously a problem the government can't solve. Here’s a sampling of what they're proposing.
Stringent labeling
Put a label on it, make it say there’s weed in there. Oh wait, they already proudly do that… So now what? They don’t want the label to appeal to children. Problem is candy appeals to children, no matter the wrapper. Kids have eaten ice cream cones off the 16th Street Mall, they don’t care what’s on the label. Making edibles manufactures stifle their creative license and churn out boring labels so that kids, who would eat them anyway if they could find them, is a pointless rule. NEXT!
Changing their look
If every edible has to be bright green, have an airbrushed pot leaf or have to be the same exact shape, that will alert people that there’s weed in there and they won’t eat it. Once again, pointless. Candy is candy is candy, no matter what you dye it, shape it into or paint on it. If a kid finds candy, they’ll probably put it in their mouth. Implementing these rules would only put strain on the manufacturer. They’ll have to buy new molds, use chemical dyes they may not want to use and have to make their product look just like everyone elses. We're sorry, we thought this was America. NEXT!
Edible commission
Pay a bunch of people to inspect every edible in Colorado to decide if they adhere to the regulations. You know, the "make candy unappealing to children" regulations. If it meets their requirements, they’ll allow you to sell it. Edible companies don’t like this because they don’t know if some loser who hates all things good is going to be appointed. Because their peanut butter cups look too much like a peanut butter cup, they may not be able to sell them and then what are they gonna do with all that weed? There’s also the whole problem of setting up a commission, deciding who will be in charge and all that bureaucratic red tape that sticks to everything. Oy vey.
We propose they roll up a fat one together and think about this "problem" a little more. In the mean time, we love our edibles, and we actually have a few ideas that might just be crazy enough to keep those crayon-stained child hands off your goods.
Keep them out of reach of children
You keep liquor, sharp objects, poison, prescriptions and sex toys away from your kids. Perhaps you should keep your weed cookies away from them too. Kids are short, if your stash is at least three feet off the ground – and not reachable by standing on a chair – you should be good. What are you doing leaving ten-dollar cookies on the table with kids around anyway?
Eat it before they can.
You do this with their holiday candy anyway. Why you slackin’ on the good stuff?
Tell them they're haunted
Ghosts scare kids. Tell them that if they touch your candy a ghost will emerge and haunt them for the rest of their lives.
Put your kid in a hamster ball
First, aquire a giant hamster ball. Whenever you bring edibles into the house, pop'em in there with a juice box and a few toys. They'll roll around and you don't have to worry about their sticky fingers all over your special cookies. Don't got a hamster ball? Cages work.
Only buy pot-infused granola
Kids hate granola, they wouldn't eat it if you tried to force them to.
Become a botanist and figure out how to cross carrots with cannabis
Kids also don't like veggies that much. If you can engineer some root vegetables to mess you up, you don't have to worry about taking your high-as-fuck two-year-old to the hospital.
Switch to a different drug
If you don't wanna worry about getting your kid high from pot, switch your recreational substance. Try crystal meth, they don't know how to smoke that. Or maybe cocaine, babies's noses are so runny all the time they'll never be able to snort it. Problem solved.
Sell your kids on Craigslist
Obviously your kids are cramping your style … so just get rid of 'em. You can catch a pretty good price from what we hear, and you can use that money to buy more weed. Then you can continue to leave it laying around without a care in the world.
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