The country's first ever outdoor cat park will be filled with friendly cats, friendlier people and … asbestos. Like, a shit ton of asbestos.

With the advent of legal weed in Colorado it only makes sense that Coloradans need many warm and soft things to touch … like kitties. Lots and lots of kitties.

Enter Front Range Free Range Kitties: A mouthful on par with Ron Jeremy's dick. The Colorado Springs cat advocacy group is mobilizing its hundreds of social media followers to lobby the city and turn a local park into a feline freak fest, where owners can bring their cats to roam outdoors.

The park in question — the affably-named America the Beautiful Park — was supposed to be zoned for human use, but an "unknown amount of asbestos was found buried there." So … city officials decided it would be a terrible place for humans … but a perfect for cats.

Because of this, all cat owners will have to wear respiratory masks while accompanying their kitties, making it really difficult to look hot and lose your cat outside at the same time.

Before you get your panties in a little PETA-knot, calm down. Asbestos — while highly toxic and sometimes fatal for humans — is safe for cats. Actually … it makes those little fuckers stronger. Somehow, asbestos not only makes cats more mobile, but more approachable as well — something that should come in handy once the ambient asbestos fibers begin to cause fatal swelling in your lungs and you just need something warm to hold as you lay down on the contaminated ground and breathe a few last breaths. 

"If being able to take my cats to a park and enjoy the same benefits that the city extends to dog owners means I have to wear a mask, fine," said FRFRK member April Lechat, who adds that her cats, Leon, an overweight orange tabby, and Cleo, a forbidding Siamese, "have been excited by the prospect ever since they learned about it several weeks ago."

Asked how they learned about it, she says, "They just know." That, or they're just excited to watch April die a slow death by asbestos poisoning, who knows!

The plans for the park's non-poisonous features are impressively detailed. It will have several enormous balls of string scattered across the grounds, which FRFRK members have already assembled  in their homes and garages. In spring, medical catnip will be planted abundantly so cats can get turnt the fuq up.

"Have you ever seen dozens of cats in a park on catnip?" Lechat asks. Only in our nightmares.

Initially, some opponents to the cat park plan said health concerns would prevent it from being built. In addition to the asbestos, the area would potentially be a breeding ground for toxoplasmosis, a parasitic disease that's often present in cat feces. It can cause serious health problems and, interestingly, a love of cats.

Then there are the environmental concerns. The area around America the Beautiful Park sees thousands of migrating birds pass through each year, and they typically spend a few days there on their drip down south while searching for grass and water and pooping ferociously everywhere. Naturally, since cats are predators of birds, conservationists are worried that Fluffy might significantly bite into the bird population.

But, Lechat says FRFRK has already addressed the problem. Helium-filled Garfield balloons will be tethered around the park's perimeter to scare away the birds and keep them from landing. But what they really should do is just play the Garfield movie; that shit was so bad it'd convince anything with a heartbeat to stay away.

"That could work," said Hans Vogel, chair of the National Audubon Society's Cat Subcommittee. "But the trick, I think, is to keep the balloons quite high. A goose, for example, will rarely have encountered a cat at 1,000 feet. The unfamiliarity alone could be enough to divert it."

… Who the fuck are these people?

Anyway, the park should be completed this spring, so please don't hesitate to visit if you have a death wish or a fantasy of calling the fire department to get your kitten down from that big tree.

Here's a little video describing the systematic inequality cats face in today's dog-forward society: