Election years are always a sphincter-clenching rollercoaster when it comes to the whole “smoke and mirrors,” “cloak and dagger,” “political theater” stuff. And 2024 has sure been a chaotic one. From rappers committing Epstein-style sex crimes, to downed global computer systems, inexplicable helicopter crashes, and progress on the alien disclosure front, it’s been one for the books. 

Conspiracy years as stacked as this one can be challenging to cover with a monthly column. My editor and I rip through a litany of potential cases to crack every month and have to settle on just one. 

But not this month. This month I get to hit you, dear reader, with a rapid-fire machine gun roll of quick conspiracy hits — stories we wanted to cover but couldn’t — conspiracies that should have made the cut but didn’t fit. 

So strap in, strap on, smash some foil on your noggin, insert your eyelid openers, and drop a couple of red pills. You’re entering the 2024 conspira-year-in-review vortex. 

P. Diddlin’

Puff Daddy, Diddy, the big ol’ P Diddler, has been a busy boy the past few decades. Surprise, surprise: the man behind classic hits like “Nasty Girl,” “I’m On You,” and “Come With Me” had some devious sexual kinks. When the feds raided his home and found enough baby oil to fill an Olympic swimming pool, Diddy was already halfway across the world, fleeing on his jet. His handlers made him come back and handed him a sweetheart sentence — like the one Jeffery Epstein got the first time he was dragged into court. And like Epstein, Diddy was trafficking women, some underage, for many wealthy, powerful people. But instead of politicians, scientists, and monarchs, the Dids was providing for musicians, actors, directors, and artists. Though, we’ll likely never see the full list of names. 

Crowdstrike Clusterfuck

Try and follow this one: In July some IT nerd allegedly screwed up a software update crashing every hospital, police agency, airline, and emergency service computer system across the country for 24 hours. 911 operators couldn’t be called. Ambulances were lost. Hospitals lost track of patients. It was chaos, and then, the problem was fixed and swept under the rug. What really happened? Well, Crowdstrike belongs to a little company called Blackrock. Right before this “IT outage” Blackrock shorted 12 million shares of stock invested in Donald Trump. That was the same week a Blackrock-affiliated shooter shot at Trump. But that didn’t go according to plan. He missed — and Blackrock was about to lose bazillions. Then the outage happened, scrambling the system and everyone’s short-term memory. Blackrock claimed the stock short was a mistake afterward and asked the SEC for its money back.

Raisi got Kobe’d

What do Kobe Bryant and Ebrahim Raisi have in common? 

Nothing. Except, bad luck with helicopters. Raisi died in a heli crash this year, just as tensions between Israel, Palestine and Iran were reaching a fever pitch. It was convenient timing, to say the least. The pilot was blamed for incompetence … but anyone on that flight could have been carrying a phone, pager, or radio — which can apparently be rigged to explode on command these days. 

The Alien Invasion is Under Way

In November there was another UAP/UFO congressional hearing. Four experts testified that the U.S. is in possession of non-human-intelligence (NHI) technology, we’ve recovered bodies, communicated with NHI, and, our government has been studying them closely for decades and lying to our faces about all of it. The sky is full of orbs, triangles, saucers, and tic-tacs that don’t belong to us. Look up the “Immaculate Constellation” documents if you want a real mindfuck before bedtime. 

Peanut, Euthanized

The strange saga of Peanut, the social media squirrel, is easily 2024’s most controversial instance of capital punishment. The adorable influencer touched thousands of hearts with his bright-eyed bushy online antics, then, NYC authorities kicked down his owner’s door and nabbed the rodent. Its followers reeled. And the drama wasn’t even over. It was soon revealed that The State had executed Peanut without a trial. Why? Because the powers that be couldn’t let an influencer squirrel break that glass ceiling. NYC officials want to keep Peanut’s kind on the streets, eating scraps, living in trees. It was a clear-cut case of civil suppression.