Ticket holders are suckers — here's how to convince loved ones you're at the festival without actually going …
This past January when tickets went on sale for the Coachella 2015 bi-weekend event, nearly 200,000 of the roughly $400 dollar passes (in addition to VIP and whatever else) were gone in under 40 minutes. It took the company less than an hour to rake in a projected $80 million from festival-thirsty fans.
But every single one of them are half-witted suckers.
Because for the past couple of years the annual festival has done non-ticketed folk a solid by live-streaming the event via YouTube. This includes no airfare, no special “necessity bag” of whatever, no bumming rides from privileged strangers and certainly no being stuck inside of a gated area in the middle of the fucking desert. It’s free, and is the backbone to enjoying yourself while saving an incredible amount of cash.
Why stop there though? Because, sure, drinking a dozen fruity drinks at home and being able to sleep in your own bed after droning through 2 hours of Outkast (christ that set was boring) is all well and good, but it does nothing to up your social game. In today’s culture you need to be there in order to maintain friends. So let’s work together to formulate a small lie to evoke the greatest amount of jealousy from meddling peers. We’re placing a hookup straight into your lap right now, for free.
Full disclosure: We never go to Coachella. Fuck that place. But our friends think we do! Here’s how we get around that pesky “truth” thing and weasel our way onto the top pillar of online popularity:
First, plug into the YouTube Coachella live stream because it embodies everything you need to carry out the perfect scam. It includes backstories about the artwork, behind the scenes interviews and a decent amount of sets to keep up on at least a partial idea of what transpired.
Next, get your social game up to par. Here are a few of our favorite image posting tips:
>> Taking selfies in front of the TV is fine
Need a convincing alibi for whatever Instagram post you need to throw up? Large televisions provide the perfect backdrop to whatever cunning story you need come up with. Keep in mind: Few people remember what the fuck anything looks like at Coachella, so being able to use that divine gift of creativity is wide open. See how convincing it can be?
>> Snapchat the shit out of crowd shots
Nobody knows. Nobody cares. So long as you’re sending off at least 10-15 Snaps to your “My Story” people will undoubtedly believe you’re actually there. A random photo of your sweaty feet next to a plastic cup in the grass “proves” there isn’t a fake frame in the gallery, too. Make snide comments in posts like “Fire! Belle and Sebastian are the balls! loving life #blessed” or “(Insert obscure band here) is killing it right now emoticon emoticon” to really open up believability.
>> Port-o-potties are everywhere
Not quite literally everywhere, but they can be found in random places about town. A quick one-off post from a “disgusting third-world accommodation” is likely all anyone would need to quell even the most distrusting of skeptics. Honestly, would anyone need to lie that bad as to go and find a traveling toilet to support the cause? NO! EXACTLY! If you are that crazy nobody believes you would be that crazy. It’s undeniable brilliance wrapped up in a cuddly nut-job tortilla.
That’s it, really. People are stupid; of course they’re going to believe you. A couple dozen posts throughout the weekend while locked inside — so as not to be seen by the public eye — and being the main-dish of everyone’s envy course is right around the corner. Likes, thumbs up, hearts, screenshots … watch those little-bittys roll in like you own the Internet.
And keep your eye on the site for the next installment of how to scam the people you love. Working title: Convincing everyone you own the Internet.
See the FULL STREAMING SCHEDULE on CoachellaLive.com!
SiriusXM is also in the Coachella game this year. Per their site:
SiriusXM’s Coachella broadcast will air on Alt Nation (Ch. 36) starting April 10 at 2 pm ET. Select performances will also air on The Spectrum (Ch. 28), SiriusXMU (Ch. 35), BPM (Ch. 51) and Electric Area (Ch. 52). Anchoring SiriusXM’s broadcasts will be longtime SiriusXMU and The Spectrum host Jenny Eliscu, along with celebrity guest hosts, with exclusive Coachella Festival news and happenings, performance set time updates, artist interviews as well as field reports from the grounds of the biggest music festival in the country.
Also: Some of the Coachella 2015 sets are rumored to be available on the old-fashioned television box. Check channel 340 on DirecTV and 167 on Dish to see if we’re telling the truth or just a bunch of gullible Garys.